Monday, December 17, 2012

i quietly await

tragedy. tears. trust.

These are the only words that come to mind when i think back on the past weeks.

Our world is crumbling, and i and many others quietly await the returning of my King.

I wish i could scream at times, tell God "this isn't how its supposed to be!!" but that is something He already knows. This world was not meant to be a world of sickness, heartache and pain. He saw it crumble, just as i am now.

Im a 21 year old girl, but i wish at times i could be 4 again, not a care in the world and my biggest fear was when my dad forgot to turn on my nightlight after bedtime prayers, because i thought there were monsters under the bed. But now, now i have so many fears, they leave me afraid to watch the news, afraid to stay home alone, afraid to be in stores by myself, afraid to be anywhere alone at night, afraid to get on airplanes, afraid to not have my parents with me, afraid of getting sick, afraid of losing people i love, afraid of going to a public university, just afraid. It's the fear of the unknown, what will happen next? I'm not paralyzed by fear, it's not that i'm not living, i am, i'm just afraid. But sadly, these aren't the kind of fears like when i was little, i can't just go crawl in bed with my big brother when i'm afraid the monsters are gunna get me, it's not reality. The reality is the monster is satan, and he is alive and he is scary.

Last weeks end held such grief in our nation, TRAGICALLY, little kids, rather babies lost their lives to a shooter, as did many teachers. the unthinkable. a gunman. in an elementary school. who would have ever thought? it makes my stomach churn. it leaves me lying awake at night fearful for the day when i have children of my own. And then again, i find myself pleading with God and asking Him to heal the hurting, and please "O come, O come, Emmanuel!!!"

Friday evening, i got the news that our beautiful friend Allison Armstrong has relapsed, her leukemia is back. My heart is broken, TEARS fill my eyes, and then again, the questioning, the pleading. "Lord please, heal her, heal the sick, why is this happening? Lord, this world, it is not for me, it is not for any of us, please come back, i want to go HOME!" Allie's husband is a teacher at CVCA, she and him have 3 adorable little girls. I don't think we will ever understand, but we have to remain positive, TRUST that the Lord is in total control, and pray with a peace knowing full well, His will is in action.

This week i got a physical and all my bloodwork done, things look good, i am at peace. I have barely any vitamin D in my body, so i will start to take stuff to help with that, and get another blood test in 3 months to see how i'm doing, other than that, everything was looking good, blood cell levels were good, platelets, all the other good stuff, good. So i find myself thinking "praise you Lord, thank you!" My brain tumor has not grown as of my last check up, about a month ago, and i go back in 6 months. It's thinks like this, little things, little glimmers of hope, i see the Lord being faithful, for what he promises is true... "In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart! for I have overcome the world" wow. TEARS. they stream down my cheeks, because i am thankful. i am TRUSTING that He walks with me through everything.

My heart is heavy, but i go to sleep tonight with HOPE.

Sethy Roo comes home Wednesday morning, i am so excited.

Christmas is coming, that brings joy, love, and family, and our Savior!

Blessed by a Heavenly Father and awaiting His return,

Shelby Elyse

please visit Allie's blog to stay updated, and please, pray.

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