Monday, September 15, 2014
disclaimer:: this is not a happy post. this is real life.
it's september now.
this month brings many feelings for me.
some days the dramatic green day lyrics resonate with me "wake me up when september ends."
and some days its the line in a taylor swift ballad that millions fell in love with "september saw a month of tears and thankin God that you weren't here...to see my like that."
but for some reason...this september...a favorite children's story is brought to mind...but not in the way you may think...not in the way like the boy who cried wolf...i just feel most days like...
the sky is falling.
chicken little said that.
i have mentioned a few times this summer that the past months have been hard for me. i don't wish to give details as to why. actually i do wish to. but some smart people and my gut tell me that sometimes its best to learn when to keep things to yourself. and for now these are things i will. i'll probably tell you one day. probably in my book.
all that to say...so far september is no different. it has just been hard. i have been having trouble sleeping again. which mom would attribute to me taking too many naps. but thats not it. i just feel uneasy. and i do not like it.
no one wants to feel this way.
this september. well. i just feel like i've been asking WHY a lot.
there are so many things i just don't understand.
WHY did our little friend Ian only get 7 birthdays? WHY did brain cancer choose him? and WHY did he have to go? the handsome boy with big blue eyes would be 15 at the end of the month. oh how i wish he could be turning 15 on this earth. i wish we could sit side by side and share rocknes fries and i could just hear his laugh again. i imagine his voice would be much deeper, and his laugh as well. or maybe his voice would be changing still and there would be glimpses of his child like laugh. but this wont happen. and it makes me sad. it shouldn't be this way. i am so thankful that he gets to be with Jesus in Heaven. i know there is no greater place. but some days. especially days in September. i just miss the little man.
WHY does precious Kate have brain cancer again? WHY can't her body fight off the cancer cells? WHY does this beautiful little one have to deal with such a burden? she is only 10. i can't wrap my mind around it you guys. i just don't understand. i have never met her personally but her story i have followed since her diagnosis in 2009. i feel like i know her. i think there is something that bonds every kid who has a brain tumor. your hearts all ache together and you all don't understand. even when you are 23 and your tumor is stable its still terrifying. please continue to pray for precious Kate. brain cancer has picked her as victim for the third time, treatments options are few and we are asking Jesus to go before the Father on Kate's behalf so that she may be healed. Please also pray that the teams at MD Anderson and St Jude will be able to come up with a treatment plan for Kate. Oh how i pray for her to be healed.
the past few days i've had a headache. not a migraine. just a headache. the kind that scares me. i try to explain it to people but i just can't. i'm sure it's just the weather. but it freaks me out. of course my mind automatically travels to the unknown. to the what ifs. and to the WHYS. i will never understand WHY cells start to morph and grow and decide to become what i call brain monsters. it will never make sense to me. oh how i long to have a perfect body. no more brain tumor. no more needle pokes. no more MRI's. and only one doctor. the Ultimate Physician. i can't wait for heaven. i will never have to worry. i will be healed, kate will be healed and Ian will already be there. i dream of walking hand in hand with the two of them and Jesus by our side.
i don't mean to sound so sad you guys. but this is reality. sometimes i just have bad days. sometimes i just sit and think "this really sucks!!" and sometimes i'm sick of sitting there with a smile saying "it's all good...God is in control." i do totally believe that. but sometimes the facade of "everything is going to be okay" becomes totally exhausting.
and today is one of those days.
brain tumors suck.
i'm worn out.
Blessed by a heavenly Daddy,