a change in the weather

snow. rain. sunshine.

that is the forecast for today:::::welcome to ohio.

i'm excited to see what the spring holds, where i'll go, who i'll see.

im excited for ice cream and bike rides, easter and plane rides. so much will happen.

march is days away. last night i was up late, talking to my friend and it occurred to me.

8 years ago today i got my "headache" the one that lasted 5 days. the one that changed my life. i struggle to remember those days. but i still have foggy pictures in my mind.

today was a rainy day. i sat in bed. drank coffee. did my devotions. tried to convince my brain im not a crazy person. and that i just overanalyze situations. a lot. but hey i'm 21. what do you expect.

i woke up with a fever. but dont tell mom. she'll make me go to the doctor. and mom if you reading this. please dont make me go to the doctor. im good. not sick. totally fine. maybe.

fever was gone by about 1. wanna know something gross? i sweated it out a little and my feet got all stinky! hahah. ew. so then i showered. did a few things for school. had some lunch and off to class i went.

[  i tried to pull the brain tumor card on dad today. because i want my nose pierced. sadly. it didnt go as planned. i will try again tomorrow.  ]

my evening consisted of burgers and broccoli. talks with the parents and watching the rachael ray show. i finished a song i've been writing for awhile, tonight. woah guys. i just used a comma. anyways. its called "twelve" ... meaning 12 years, 12 months, and 12 at night. maybe one day you will hear it on the radio. maybe not.

i finished my pediatric brain tumor scholarship application today and have it all in a polka dotted bubble mailer ready to send tomorrow. s/o to my bff elly for being my proof reader! fingers crossed i'll get some moolahhh.

im turning over a new leaf. trying to conquer something. you shall get no specifics blog readers but today my friend brittany gave me an B+ because i messed up once hahah. we shall see how tomorrow goes.

seth called me like 10 minutes ago. and we start talking about iphones and whatever else and then he laughs a little and tells me he's started a blog. his made this big long story and i was literally in tears laughing. idk where he comes up with this stuff. but basically. seth. i am looking forward to "the beauty in the rattle." ... and thanks for making me laugh. your the best brother ever ever ever. may come quick!

okay well i'm off to try to get some sleep. still not feeling awesome. and moms whole homeopathic medicine kick isn't exactly helping my cold.

oh. the forecast. it was right. its snowing now. so really::::welcome to ohio

love you all!

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

goodnight moon.

the weekend was full.

 of family, food and fainting.

 of love, laughter and late nights.

i spent friday night through sunday morning in columbus.

 friday night:: i hung out with malakai. talked about his trip to hawaii, read goodnight moon, read little gorilla, played with his fire truck and off to bed he went. me and jordyn had popcorn and fanta and watched the twilight saga:: new moon after mark went to bed. it was nice to have some sister-time. we laughed together. pointing out everything we love about edward and jacob. we each ate a whole bag of popcorn. no guilt. so good.

 saturday:: malakai comes storming in my room wayyyy too early "Shelby up! Downstairs!" i crawled out of bed. threw on a hoodie and went downstairs to hangout. breakfast. music and books with malakai surrounded the morning. ate a little lunch. gave malakai a bubble bath, he went down for his nap and then me and jordyn headed to do a little shopping. well. it was pretty non-eventful until we were in target. she was trying on new maternity clothes, and the dressing room was weird and co-ed and we were creeped out so i went in with her. so i'm sitting there in the dressing room with her. with a cami, sweatshirt, coat and scarf on, holding her big coat and scarf and all the "no's" and all of a sudden her voice became slower and the room turned like a kalidascope. i said "jordyn im overheating i have to take my clothes off" and i just started getting everything off me. then i look at her "dont freak out but im gunna faint." so i sat on the floor and the room just went away. finally she's like "are you okay" and im like "uhhh no" the room is coming back. my hearing is back, and my vision was slowly returning. yes. this happens often. i just faint. it's happened so many places. parking lots. getting a pedicure. school. baking class. shower. just everywhere. i just faint sometimes. so anyways....due to my little spell on the way home we got shamrock shakes!!! i also think it was a pregnancy craving for jordyn, but whatever. still delicious. saturday night was non-eventful. hummus and martinis filled the evening. along with The Help.

 sunday:: i'm woken up again "Shelby GOODMORNING!!!!! GET UP! COME DOWNSTAIRS!!! SHELBY!!!!!!" i'm like "okay bean i'm up i'm up" thank the Lord it was after 9. breakfast, books, and talk and pictures of their trip to hawaii...which fingers crossed i'm going next year. i left around 10:30. the drive home was peaceful. country countdown with tim mcgraw basically made my life. and i have a new favorite song of his. "highway dont care" listen. its great. i. love. tim. mcgraw. just so you know. okay. so anyways i got home and aunt julie and uncle richard were here. i love them. so much. they make me laugh more than anyone else i know. cincinnati chili, cookie baking and candy eating filled the rest of the afternoon. they left around 6. i did my homework, watched part of the oscars, and now i'm just writing. about my long crazy weekend. and i feel like no one is reading this today. but thats alright. one day when i cant remember my youth, i'll have this to read. good thinking shelby. i'll tell myself. you were smart to blog at 21. even if no one read it.


in honor of my nephew a.k.a. bff malakai...
 [ In the great green room there was a telephone. And a red balloon. And a picture of...the cow jumping over the moon. And 3 little bears sitting in chairs. And two little kittens and a pair of mittens. And a little toy house And a young mouse. And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush And a quiet old lady who was whispering "hush" Goodnight room Goodnight room. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light and the red balloon. Goodnight bears Goodnight chairs. Goodnight kittens and Goodnight mittens. Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks. Goodnight little house and Goodnight mouse. Goodnight comb and Goodnight brush. Goodnight nobody Goodnight mush. And Goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush". Goodnight stars Goodnight air. Goodnight noises everywhere.]

yep. i memorized the book. literally. only looked up what came after "clocks"  seems i forgot about the socks. ironic because i hate socks. 

okay well before i say anything dumb because of my insomnia brain. or accidently publically proclaim my love for someone. i think i'll stop writing. 

love you all.

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

brothers.

 as i have often mentioned my brother is my best friend, one of the most influential people in my life, and basically a superhero. but his friends. they have always been his wingmen when it comes to me. always lookin out. always ready to step in and "beat up" anyone who tries to mess with me. even after seth moved. angelo, lesmes and jerome took over. haha.

 tonight at dinner i was talking with mom about seth's friends. whose getting married. the ones i would like to marry. the ones i should marry. we laughed. because no one was in any of the same categories. i always have loved them.

 on my snowy drive home i was thinking how i grew up having crushes on almost all of his friends, wanting to go everywhere with them, saying i'd marry this one or that one. i would sit and watch them play video games for hours just to be involved. beg to go to applebees for appetizers late at night. i got yelled at for walking in front of the fifa game on many occasions. and they pranked me too many times to count. i was driving literally laughing because my childhood revolved around so many stinky boys in the house and i loved every moment.

 honestly. not much has changed. and i like it that way.

 i still have major crushes on so many of them. i still tell seth i'll marry one of them. i still beg to go everywhere. there is still N64 played in the basement when everyone is home. i'm still sitting and watching. and i still get yelled at if i walk in front of the screen. it's just the life of a little sister.

 thankfully the pranks have stopped.

 i have vivid memories of seth and blake putting on these sick masks and scaring the crap out of me. they also tied action figures to fishing line and told me they "shrunk" and i would stand at the bottom of the stairs totally convinced they were tiny. oh. they also put me in the basement. and they also told me i was in trouble and gave me bread and water. there was a lot of fighting with brett and nick. a lot of asking for keith's phone number and getting denied. hahah. more fighting with brett. an incident that involved angelo in a mcdonalds french fry costume throwing himself at the back windows and me throwing up. long story. another incident with blake wearing a nasty mask, and so many more but needless to say i'm glad those days have passed.

i have so many great memories though too. i would say i have had the best little sister experience ever. playing the puzzle game with seth and blake. i've been strapped to the back of a bike to go to card shops, dressed up in jerseys and backwards hats to be taken to basketball games, played kickball at chapel hill late at night with seth, jerome, caleb and kyle. i was used as a "chick magnet" on vacation. dragged all over the place with seth and benni and angelo. i almost got keith kicked out of a china buffet because i ate an eggroll and he didnt pay for me to eat.  vacation in florida where angelo went on the aligator tour with us. too many crazy days to count of being with seth chad and jacob when the parents went out of town. vacation with keith in SC & NC. where i was still denied a phone number. hahah. caluza teaching me guitar. lesmes being okay with the fact i'll always love him. california adventures with seth and benni, chad and jake, and gregg. working with angelo hahah what an adventure. a hilarious dinner in columbus with jerome after which i sang with one of my songwriting heroes. hahah. i could go on forever.

and on top of all that. i have so many stories. some of which should never be repeated. and some of which you probably wouldnt believe me. so i'll refrain.

i am one thankful little sister. God blessed me with one brother, and that turned into so many more. i probably drove the boys nuts. but yet they still love me. and trust me. i love them.

just a blast from a past entry.

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

insomnia

it's 2:33 am.

 i can't sleep. suprise. i'm sooo hungry. i have so much on my mind. so i write. and write. and write.

 if you were with me i would probably spill my guts about everything i know and every secret i have. i'm in the stage where my brain is slowly shutting off and i feel like i had too much wine but i didnt have any. its a weird feeling.

 i just sit listening to coldplay. thinking about the past few weeks. flipping through glamour magazine. this is my life. at 2:37 am now.

 for some reason im craving taco bell. mind you i dont even like that place. they have meat that pours out of a tube. but right now i could eat lots of tacos. and nachos. oh and those cinnamon twisty things. yumm. oh and mountain dew. i dont even like it that much. but it goes so well with taco bell. oh my goodness. husband, if you are reading this. be prepared to go to taco bell with me at 2:40 in the morning sometime. just saying. and friends. if my husband isnt reading this. fill him in.

the wind outside is crazy. enough noise to wake up just about anyone. and more than enough to keep me from falling asleep. i like rain. but i dont like wind. perhaps its because i have an irrational fear of being swept off to oz. or maybe i dont want a tree to come through my window at any moment. but all the same. the wind is not my friend tonight.
the only thing i like about the wind is the quote about it and love from a walk to remember.

im talking to my brother on facebook chat now. catching up. like we do almost daily. i love him for that. even though it has to be almost 3am here to catch him on good california time. i still love it none the less.

okay i'm sure no one is reading this. so i'm peacing out.

blessed by a heavenly Daddy,

Shelby

the snowman.

it's sunday. it's snowing.

i spent most of the day sitting in my room. watching the snow. lots on my mind. writing. reading. writing more. flooded with ideas. the snow is falling faster. i look out my window, see the blizzard. and then i remember it. the drawing. the snowman drawing. he drew it 6 years ago. 6 years. thats long. i miss him.

i grab my memory box out of my closet. i find it. the pile of drawings. and i find the snowman. this drawing, it inspired a whole line of Christmas stuff for St. Judes Children's Research Hospital. he was an artist. he was 7. his name was Ian.

the last day i saw him. it was a day similar to today. it was 2007. i went to school with mom because we had a teachers in service. when i got there. he wasn't there. i was so sad. i was so looking forward to spending the day with the little guy. he came late. i was over the moon. we laughed and laughed that day. it was january. we shared rocknes cheese burgers and fries. and then he ate a whole tray of bagel bites. this might be why i love rocknes so much. i'm not sure.

i went to his kindergarten class. we laughed and laughed. he sat in his special giant comfy chair. he was tired. i could see it in his eyes. his crossed eyes. we walked down the hall to get my mom. i remember he tripped. i held his hand. he laughed and said "my dumb tumor makes me trip somedays." i remember the day so well. his laugh had me in tears. he was soo hungry. we ate everything we could find. his mom came to get him. i hugged him goodbye.

never did i realize that would be the last day i laughed with him. the last hug i gave him. and that goodbye meant "i'll see you in heaven"

so the snow. it makes me miss little man. the artist. the comedian. it makes me miss ian.

some days i find myself feeling guilty. why did he have to die and why do i get to live. that little boy lit up rooms of people. he was incredible. i believe he was too special for this earth. the Lord needed Ian to be a light in heaven. but days like today. in the blizzard. i miss the kid. so much. he would love his little sisters.

i can't wait to see you again soon little dude. tell jesus hi for me. thanks for the snow.

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

.sister.sister.sister.

jordyn. lee.

sister. best friend. hero. 

 she is the most beautiful lady i know. 

big green eyes and long blonde hair. 

winter white skin. tall and thin. 

i have one amazing older sister. 

 Sissy, we have been through so much together, and as my slogan goes we have found beauty in every battle. 

 You have always believed in me, you have always continually encouraged me, and for that i am forever thankfu. I have seen great strength in you over the years and i am inspired. You are one incredible lady. 

   When i was little of course i bugged you...that happens when your parents decide to have a baby when they have a 10 and 7 year old, it wasn't my fault i was an adorable curly headed pint sized princess hahah! And i probably still bug you sometimes, but i am so blessed to have grown up with you. 

 Thank you for letting me barge in on your room and have "sleepovers" even though you didnt always like me sleeping with you. Thanks for playing barbies with me for hours, and not getting upset when i messed up midge's hair. Thank you for letting me be my own diva self and put on your clothes and heels and sing celine dion to you and Nari accompanied by dramatic dance moves. Thanks for letting me watch soap operas with you so i could feel like a "big girl" even though i had no idea what was going on. Thank you for letting me stir the cookie dough even though you could do it much better. Thanks for taking me shopping everytime i didn't get asked to a homecoming or prom and simply stating "this is so much better than going to a dumb dinner." you always know how to make me feel better. Thanks for always giving me advice when it comes to friends, boys, school and much more. Most of all, thank you for just being a sister. I am so thankful God gave me you.

 I love our inside jokes. "sisters...sisters" "i'm here lasagna" "I LOVE IT! THANK YOU! ITS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED!" I love that from the outside we are completely different but still share inside similarities in many ways. 

Jordyn thank you for being there for me through every trial i have faced, being a consistent prayer warrior and being an amazing example of what a Godly lady, wife and mom should look like. 

I love you Jordyn Lee, you are the best big sister anyone could ever ask for. 

Love, Shelby Elyse

( weezer ) 

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

and this little guy ... thank you for giving me him. 

"you are normal...your just unique!"

today. there was sunshine and laughter. so it was good.

the morning was pretty non-eventful. basically same old shelby. bad headache. coffee. oatmeal. apples. homework. blog reading. music. writing. and talking to my dog like she's a human.

mom was home today. that was nice. she took the day off after an appt she had this morning. i love having her home. it just feels nice knowing someone else is around.

i went to class. that was non-eventful. came home. watched the silver lake police pull someone over in front of my house and then oh wait they needed backup. the freaking barney fifes can't ever do anything by themselves. literally the silver lake police are the definition of ridiculous. so i watched that. my friend amanda dropped off a shirt i ordered from this party she had. i sat on my bed with my purple beats headphones and sang random stuff into my phone to see how cool it sounded playing back. yeah. i just admitted to that. and read a few blogs i follow.

tonight i went to dinner with my friend ana. the one i crafted with. the one i've known since i was 2. we had the best time. we always just laugh and laugh. we ate pretty unhealthy food and decided we were okay with that. we caught up on life. and laughed histerically because our waitress could have been in "pitch perfect" as the girl who talks really super soft. we literally couldnt understand her and so everything she said we just nodded. it was great.

i love that girl. at one point i was explaining a situation to her and she goes "that person is not normal!" and so i said "neither am i though!" and she said "shelby you are normal...you are just unique!" i mean holy cannoli what a great friend. hahaha. i like that she used that word. often people describe me as that. i dont mind it. but you know well that sometimes i wish i was normal, but really being normal is boring. so i'm happy to not be normal.

well. tomorrow is sissy's birthday. be looking for an epic post about that.
i'm gunna watch a movie with mama t. and then hopefully get a good nights sleep.

please be praying for no more headaches so i can stay off medicine. i've had quite a few lately.

i love you all.

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

be my valentine?

valentines day.

it's about flowers and fancy dinners. chocolates and cupid. shapes of hearts and shades of pink white and red. movie dates and men forgetting until the night before.

but most of all...love.

today i woke up to chocolate, a starbucks giftcard and a beautiful card on the kitchen bar from mom and dad. instantly i was in a good mood. they are always thoughtful this way. they always have been. i sat down with my coffee and oatmeal & did my devotions. got ready in record time and off to class i went.

as i drove to school, im not sure why, but i was sad. i dont think it was even because it was valentines day and i was in the cliche "oh my gosh i'm single still" stage. i think it was just dreary. the sun wasn't out. the day just didn't feel awesome. so i sat through anatomy with a blank stare on my face. trying to figure out why i felt like i wanted to cry. i kinda figured it out. but its complicated. and you my friends probably don't really care. or have the time. my next class was "courtship, marriage and family." what a lovely class for valentines day haha so anyways he spent much of the class playing guitar and speaking about his favorite music and stuff...so i obviously begin to talk to him about james taylor and all the greats...

then all of a sudden. i don't know what came over me. but i decided that i was gunna have a valentine. so i text my brothers friend Gregg who he lives with in California. best decision i made all week. also. i'm really glad it went down this way or i would have felt so stupid.

i mean talk about confidence. i wish i had that kind of confidence with ohio boys my own age. hahah. or within 5 years of my age. also. talk about a great guy. he was totally my valentine. we caught up throughout the day and he gave me really encouraging advice about relationships. at one point he said "you need to trust that you're awesome and let a guy make you his valentine." day. made. best first valentine ever. even if he is in california. what a catch. unfortunately my brother thinks gregg is too old for me, so i think this might be the last time he is my valentine. but hey. sissy and mark have a 12 year age gap. so you just never know ;)

also. some may consider this cheating. but i don't. i might have had a second valentine. but he's only 2. and he's my nephew. he made my day as well. he called me around 7 and goes "ummm hi happy umm happy balentimes day shelby!!!!!! i got treats!!!!" oh my goodness. the kid melts my heart every single time i talk to him. malakai james i hope you are my valentine for the rest of my life.

tonight i went to my friend erin's house and we made waffles and just sat around and talked and listened to cheesy disney channel original movie music. and t-swift. then i came home, watched grey's anatomy. and now i'm blogging and off to bed.

so while my valentines day wasn't ordinary. i didnt go to dinner and a movie with prince charming. no one bought me flowers. it was nothing crazy. it was just a nice day. i felt loved.

so contrary to what i have said for many years. i guess i don't hate valentines day. i mean. i guess. i might kinda like it. and maybe one day. i'll even love it.

i hope you all had wonderful days full of love and laughter.

i love you all.

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

to be like esther

esther.

a woman who i believe is too often overlooked in the bible. and who obviously should not be overlooked at all. she is the only other woman besides ruth to have a whole book devoted to her. i have been studying her carefully the past few weeks. i want to be like esther. she was not flawless. she was real. i like that about her.

what a beautiful example of a Godly lady she was. she was filled with many qualities i aspire to have. also. i say lady because i think it's a better word to use than woman. lady sounds more beautiful in my mind. but maybe it's just me.

so what was esther?

* esther was beautiful, full of grace, and charming. *

     - ch. 2 v. 15 "she won the admiration of everyone who saw her." i believe this is something to strive for. people are often opinionated, but she was so esteemed that everyone admired her. wow. also, her name literally meant "star." and that is just what she was. she shined, sparkled and was a light to many people. admiration. that is beauty. that is grace. and that is charming, a good charming.

* esther was a lady who trusted well *

     - i noticed while learning about this amazing woman was that in her story, there were no angels, no voices from heaven, not even a mention of God that i noticed. but esther knew God was with her, and she knew of His perfect plan, so she had peace. He was still present, even though it may not have seemed like it. she still trusted. she trusted that His will was being fullfilled.

* esther was incredibly courageous *

   - various times throughout the book, specifically in chapter 4 more than once, esther has to be confrontational, standing up for her people, with much risk involved. she found incredible courage, with help from her Lord of course. the story never has her ask why or have pity on herself, she just does as she is told. when she is told. with her head high and her warrior face on. obedience. and courage. beautiful.

i am inspired by esther.

i've recently been reading a book called "preparing to be his help meet" by debi pearl. i have mentioned it before. she speaks of esther, who she was, how she lived and i am captivated. i have re-read the chapter about esther and ruth over and over. soaking in the words. it is a chapter surrounded by strength and courage and trust. being courageous in relationships, and trusting that the Lord has a perfect plan for our lives, marriage or no marriage. one thing that really stuck out to me that she said about esther was this...

 " because one young girl was wise and sober minded, and because she was willing to lay down her life, a whole nation was spared."

so i ask you...would you be willing? would you have the same courage, wisdom, beauty and grace that esther did? can you give total control to God, and trust in his ways completely?

if i'm being honest...i am no esther...but i am working on it.

i want to be more like her.

more like.

esther.

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

 Shelby Elyse

[ i stand in awe of You ]

happy tears filled my eyes as i listened to the voicemail.

"shelby your results look in the normal range." the voice said. not my doctor. another one. i didn't recognize her voice. my clinical had just ended. my heart is racing. i hear the words. i said  "thank you Jesus!" probably way too loud in the elevator. people are around. they just smile. they don't know. they don't understand. for they do not know my story. and they probably never will. unless my blog blows up and my autobiograpy gets published, or unless i win a grammy, or do something really illegal. then the doctor in his mid 40's can say "hey i saw that girl in an elevator once." okay carried away.

i call the doctor back. he's on vacation so i talk to his colleague. she tells me that my body is producing white blood cells. so that is good. the production might be a little slow which would explain my low numbers recently. i'm breathing again. i can think again. of things other than hospitals. she says i have to come back for blood panels in a few months again to check everything out. and i still need to come in for shots to protect against big bugs as i call them. just in case. i say thank you a million times. she tells me my doc will call me as soon as he's back to schedule follow up and shots and discuss everything even in further detail. hey. i am relieved. he can stay on vacation as long as he wants. i'm done with medical talk. at least for now.

most of you know that anxiety has flooded my heart the past weeks. i have put on a good face. occasionally said things like "this is a bummer" or "holy freaking crap when am i going to know!?" but deep down. i've been literally sick. it has not been fun. so in all honesty, the word "relief" doesn't even begin to cover it.

i have learned much about myself the past few years. one of those things being sometimes it is very hard for me to trust. trust others. trust myself. trust God. this may be my own fault, sometimes i am too quick to open up. but i think much has played into this. both medical. and non. i am working on it. i am learning to trust better. i would say that putting my trust in God is the area that has blossomed the most. trust in myself is next. but thats complicated and can mean so many things. and trust in others is a work in progress. because as peyton sawyer from one tree hill would say "people always leave." but as i know well, my God will never leave.

all that to say. the past month. i have had no other choice but to put all my trust, hope, and faith in the hands of God. i have had sleepless nights. praying for my white cells to mass produce. praying for friends who are struggling. praying that whatever the outcome, i can handle it with grace and give the glory to God. and with each prayer, there was always a sense of worry. i know that sounds like an oxymoron. but it's just honest. but now. my worries are gone. i might be able to get a decent night sleep tonight.

so thank you for all the prayers again. thank you thank you thank you a million times. i love you all so much. seriously. thank you for reading my blog. thank you for standing with me. thank you for praying. the Lord is so faithful. i have seen this first hand the past month. now it's february. a month i am still learning to love. slowly but surely. march comes next. a month of rememberance. march is "year 8" and i can't wait.

[ God of the impossible, Maker of all miracles i will stand in awe of You, i am so amazed at how you reach into my brokenness, make me beautiful again, i believe, yes i believe nothing is impossible with You....Healer, Healer i'm restored by a Healer ] - Sarah Reeves

i love you all.

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

christmas. secrets. suprises. & sunshine

hey everyone,

 i realized that it is February 10th. i also realize Christmas was in fact in December. im really really sorry.

 okay, now that we got that out of the way:: one more disclaimer. i do not use proper grammer on my blog. so for all you english major people reading this right now. forgive me. i like periods and put way too many. i also hate capitalization. sorry. moving on.
 well. project "100 letters for dad" was a success!!! but let me just say, christmas had many more suprises than this. i would say it might have been one of the most special Christmases we have ever had!

 seth flew in the 19th, we got some good quality time together for a few days before the house turned into organized chaos. i love having him home. i find that when he is home i can get away with a lot more, and get into trouble a lot less. i have officially decided he is the favorite. haha just kidding i'm the favorite :)

 so then the 24th, grandma barb and papa joe flew in from memphis, it's been years since we've had Christmas with them, so that was so special. a few hours after they landed jordyn, mark and malakai came over!

 we had a delicious christmas eve dinner, played games, reminisced, and it was so fun!

 i was being a sneaky little person for most of the night. dad kept asking where i was going, you all were still sending in letters until literally 1am! i was printing, stuffing envelopes, stamping, and stickering each one. i had my own little workshop set up in my bedroom. each letter went into a white envelope, i stamped the back with a "do not open until december 25th stamp" then the front got a "north pole postage" stamp and a sticker.

 i put dad's envelopes in a big stack, and began to count. i got to 100. still a few more. final count on christmas eve was 102!! i tied them up in red and white packaging rope and stuffed them in a shoebox. then decided to be a little more sneaky and put that in a gigantic box. he had no idea what he was in for! i stayed up late watching tv with the brother, then off to sleep we went.

christmas morning came way too early. malakai comes scurrying into the room seth and i were in around 8am. "get up...get up shelby...get up seth!" i mean come on! he was too cute, so we dragged ourselved downstairs. got some coffee. cinnamon rolls (g-free!) and the present extravaganza began. oh. so during all the crazy. i got 2 more letters. so we were to 104. i was glowing. and sooo was jordyn. but not for the same reason ;)

it was so special. it literally took us 3 hours. yep. we open them one by one. it is a ceremony. would you expect anything less from the taylor's? okay. so halfway through jordyn goes "malakai has a very special gift to open everyone." so the little dude rips into this box, and he pulls out a t-shirt. it said "world best big brother" we went crazy. oh my goodness. another baby! as you can imagine, all the girls started crying. jordyn said "so whats in mommy's tummy!?" and he goes "a baby!!!" it was the cutest thing ever. did i mention that i also had to keep this baby news a secret until about a week ago? ya. thats right. try next to impossible!

finally i tell dad he can open his present. dead last. he gets the giant box. tears it open. and reaches down to find the shoebox. he's acting so "roger" at this moment. i'm loving it. also. im a little embarassed of this picture. because it makes me look fat. but none the less. here you go.

so he opens. and i mean, i'll just let you watch his reaction. priceless. i love him. sorry i'm crazy. hahaha i was so nervous.

as you can see. it was a little emotional. grandma cried. jordyn cried. i laughed so i wouldnt cry. the man was SHOCKED. the plan was victorious! he never saw it coming. that was the best part. he was seriously suprised. and still can't believe i did that! thank you to everyone who contributed. it took dad about a whole month to read your letters. he savored every single one. he's reading them all again. i love that about him. the first day he only read 10 and i was like "dad we gotta get done before next christmas" but he just took his good old time. now i gotta think of something even cooler for next year. holy cannoli. i have no idea how i'll top this. 

well. it was a wonderful rest of the day. and then everyone got stuck here for 2 more because of the snowstorm. i loved it. here are a few more pictures...

shelby, seth, jordyn. 

twins for the day.

with grandma! 

best. present. ever. thanks mom! so excited!!!

Well, as you can see. it was a great christmas!!! 104 letters! Sissy's baby is due August 3rd! And we are just so happy!!

i love you all!

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

saturday sunshine.

today was a good day. the sun was shining. and my heart wasn't full of anxiety.

i woke up at like 11:30. had coffee. and you guessed it, oatmeal. i was a little disappointed in my oatmeal today. all we had left was cinnamon and spice. and i'm more of an apples and  cinnamon kinda girl. but none the less. still oatmeal. still breakfast.

watched my favorite saturday morning food network show pioneer woman. i really like her. ree drummond is her name. she's the kinda lady i wanna grow up to be like. except i don't know if i want to marry a farmer. anyways. she loves to cook, loves Jesus, and loves her family. she writes, blogs, and has a tv show. if that isn't someone to aspire to be like, than i dont know who is.

so i got ready, and off i went to craft with my friend ana. now i have probably mentioned ana before. she has been my friend almost my whole life. we were 2 when we met. i hadn't even begun to walk when she became my friend. ( yea i didn't walk for like ever. but hey, i was born so freaking early everything else ended up being late. plus i weighed like the amount of a bag of flour so i just got carried everywhere. forever. ) so anyways. ana is the my sister. seriously. we have gone to school together since we were 4. preschool. chapel hill, vca, cvca, and now akron. i mean how crazy is that! so anyways. we crafted a really cute elephant canvas for her friend's baby shower gift.

i named it eleanor. the elephant.

see so cute! so we crafted and caught up. then made buffalo chicken dip for a party she was going to. then i drove to meet my parents for saturday night church. after church we got chinese and came home to relax.

then tonight i started watched the show "hart of dixie" on netflix. oh man. i already love it. i love wade. but i also love george. and of course. a girl can't watch a tv series without her dog. and lots of blankets. and a pint of ben and jerry's. hahaha don't worry i only had 2 scoops. portion control people. i do not want to end up on the biggest loser one day. oh. did i mention my ice cream was called "late night snack?" it's the jimmy fallon edition. oh my heavens. it had vanilla bean ice cream. caramel swirls and fudge covered potato chip clusters. yeah. i know. so good. 

well. ice cream is gone and now i'm trying to be healthy sitting here with my water. maybe i should try the eliptical. but not at midnight. also. the sugar. it's never good for me. i'm wide awake already at night. and this just makes me crazy. 

okay well. i'm gunna go watch more hart of dixie. you should watch it. it is so great. 

no health update. fingers crossed for monday.

please continue to pray for my friend allie. she will get a treatment plan and such the next few days. i'll keep y'all posted!

i love you guys!

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse 

beautiful words

people. inspire. me. words. are. beautiful. 

"do you understand the rest of your life is being shaped right now? the rest of your life is a long time and whether you know it or not, it's being shaped right now. you can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, or bad luck, or bad choices, or you can fight back. things aren't always gonna be fair in the real world, that's just the way it is. but for the most part you get what you give. let me ask you all a question; what's worse, not getting everything you wished for or getting it all and finding out it's not enough? the rest of your life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase, the choices you make, and the person you decide to be. the rest of your life is a long time and the rest of your life starts right now."
  - Haley James Scott ( One Tree Hill ) 

"what if the trials of this life are YOUR mercies in disguise?"
 - Laura Story

"never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away. and going away means forgetting." 
 - Peter Pan

"it takes courage to grow up, and become who you really are."
 - E.E. Cummings

"God is within her, she will not fall. He will help her at break of day."
 - Psalm 46:5

"why fit in when you were born to stand out?"
 - Dr. Seuss 

"we have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties."
 - Oswald Chambers

"you have come this far, don't give up now"
 - Nicholas Sparks ( The Notebook ) 

"think of all the beauty still left around you, and be happy."
 - Anne Frank

"all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. just literally twenty seconds of embarassing bravery, and i promise you, something great will come of it."
 - We Bought A Zoo

"never love anybody who treats you like you're ordinary."
 - Oscar Wilde

"all beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you."
 - Song of Solomon 4:7

"and though she be but little, she is fierce."
 - Shakespeare 

"believe in yourselves. dream. try. do good."
 - Mr. Feeny 

"please don't leave. everybody leaves."
 - Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer ( One Tree Hill ) 

"keep your head up, God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers."
 - Anonymous 

"people who love to eat are always the best people."
 - Julia Child

"without suffering, there would be no compassion."
 - Nicholas Sparks ( A Walk To Remember ) 

sometimes my words get old and boring. so sometimes you need others. i hope you found at least one of these inspiring. i'm off to dream.

i love you all

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse 

when the battles raging YOU'RE fighting for me.

i have been told i am strong my whole life. i was born fighting for my life. my name means "little rock." my dad calls me "trooper." everyone tells me i am strong. recently one of my friends called me a "soldier." but i think everyone might be wrong. i think there is a difference between being strong and being brave. i am not strong. i would however describe myself as brave.

but brave. what does that mean exactly? well. merriam-webster describes it as "ready to face and endure pain or danger; showing courage." now this. this is something that i may be. but does ready to face pain and showing courage through that pain make me strong? i'm just not sure. i know i really don't have a choice, i have learned very quickly that if you give up on your body, it will give up on you. i don't have a choice in these battles though. i can't tell my body to start producing more blood cells. or tell my tumor not to grow. that is just not how it works. so i have to be brave. but i believe my strength is found in the Lord my God. HE fights my battles. HE carries me. it is HIM. and while i am so grateful that so many of you think i am strong. i just had to be honest. it's just. it's not me. 

moving on. 

today was an anatomy test, apples, and answered prayers. today was frozen yogurt. friends. and fuzzy blankets. today was music. memories. and making dinner with mom. today was a good day. 

this little blog does amazing things sometimes. today one of those things happened. every time i post a blog, i post it to my twitter. and usually simply put the link with the word "read." simple enough right? hoping that maybe someone just one will click and read. well this morning i woke up and realized that someone had favorited my link. his name was kurt finney. i clicked. and holy cannoli. he's an actor. he stars in a show i watch online sometimes called "massholes" yeah. thats the name. excuse my french. so anyways. he just happens to be friends with one of my favorite people the star of footloose kenny wormald. so anyways. i tweet him and i get a reply. he read my blog. oh my goodness how crazy! so i'm giving him a shoutout tonight. hoping that he will continue to read, share, be inspired, and maybe more people will read and be inspired. who knows. okay by the way. his twitter bio says ( i love dinosaurs and meatball subs. ) i mean come on. i want to be his friend.

so, health update.

we are still waiting for labs. please continue to pray that my white count continues to rise. i am so thankful for all the prayers i have recieved the past month on this new crazy journey. fingers crossed i wont have to have labs drawn for a few months. but we wait and see. the Lord has a perfect plan. i am just waiting to see what it is. trusting. i'm not feeling awesome this week, but i think i'm just run down. hoping to get some much needed R&R this weekend.

prayer request:: please continue to pray for my friend Allie. she is in Texas now to get new treatment hoping to beat this cancer. please pray for her and Adam as they are there. but also for the girls. they are here in Ohio, pray for the adjustment, pray for healing. 

oh. and incase you were wondering. my offer to find a valentines date is still open. no eligible bachelors have responded. please see yesterday's post for official entry rules. hahaha. im just kidding dad. dont worry. 

okay. i'm out. i'm actually exhausted tonight. i'm posting one of my favorite worship songs below. so listen. 

[ You hide me in your wings and carry all my fears and worries. You lift the lowely. You wrap me in Your arms of safety. when the battles raging You're fighting for me. even when i'm walking through the valley of death. even when i'm broken and nothing is left. You lead me on. You lead me on. so i'll pour my tears in the ocean, and i'll leave my pain by the shore, and with a MIGHTY WAVE You'll sweep them away, till they are no more. Theres freedom from my past and theres HOPE in my future. You are my today and You are my forever!!! ] 

    - sarah reeves 

i love you all. 

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse 

11:57.

well. it's almost midnight. and like every other day of my life i'm wide awake. today was basically non-eventful.

i woke up at 10. started studying. did anatomy homework. studied anatomy. drank some coffee. had some oatmeal. if you dont see a pattern by now you should. i love coffee. and oatmeal. 

at 2 i got ready for school. and then decided to call the doctor before i went to class. today is day 20. i can't help it that i'm a little anxious. i just can't. so anyways. i talked to the nurse practitioner. she said that my mail away labs were "still pending" she said she couldnt tell me if that was good or bad. i think she actually had no freaking idea. she said they'd call me as soon as they were in. i was sassy. but what's new. so fingers crossed that we hear something this week. my heart is gunna pop. i believe i would have this same feeling if i was meeting ryan gosling for the first time. not the anger, just the suspense. oh man i love ryan gosling. okay sorry i'm being A.D.D. again.

anyways. i went to class. came home. ate an apple and peanut butter and honey. mix them. it's sooo good. i promise. watched the rachael ray show. and then studied some more. and more and more. i hate anatomy. i dont even think i'm understanding all of this dumb stuff. whatever. okay. sorry. 

so then my friend rachel came over and we watched Josh Duhamel on Jay Leno. i love him. not leno. josh. his new movie safe haven is coming out and i can't wait. oh it's coming out on valentines day...anyone wanna be my date? actually. i better filter that. if you know me and are someone i actually talk to. you may ask. if you do not qualify under those rules. you. may. not. unless you are the singer that i told my cousin i love. then you are okay too. hahaha i'm really sorry. i need some meds. okay so anyways. as i'm watching the interview. and i begin to notice. Josh Duhamel is A.D.D. too! we should be friends. so then me and rachie watched american idol. she left

i just studied for another hour. now i'm not tired so i think i'll go waste time on pinterest. 

oh oh!! i gotta say this:: so i'm applying for a scholarship through the Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation. i applied 2 years ago and got it, then 1 year ago and didnt. and i'm eligable again! So im in the application process right now, it's long and complicated. so if you guys could please be praying for that i would really love that! hey if i can get money out of this dumb clumb of oligodendrocytes and neoplasm whatevers in my head it makes it all not seem so bad. maybe mr tumor is "paying off"  :)

okay well. i bet my bad jokes are getting old. and i also bet that most of you x'd out of the blog by now. so i shall say goodnight and goodbye. 

i love you all. really i do. many of you mean more to me than you know...

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse 

typical tuesday

it's tuesday.

i've always coined tuesday to be like the awkward kid on the soccer team. not as bad as monday, but obviously not as good as wednesday, thursday, and friday, because those all lead up to the weekend. it's just so tuesday. it's just typical. if you didn't understand my comparison it's okay. i don't know if i do either.

my post is going to be a little A.D.D. just like me. have fun.  

today was filled with college classes, coffee & chicken quesadillas. 

today i saw a girl wearing jeggings with wolves on them (i'm really not kidding, they had wolves and like a wintery forrest scene.) 2 of my classes held totally awkward conversations, and i had an awkward encounter in the student union. and trust me, i wasn't the source of the awkward.

i held my phone tight all day. updating my e-mail about every 30 minutes. praying for a phone call. it's been 19 days. i don't have results. the anxiety i spoke of last week has faded, and now irritation and a little bit of anger are my emotions. i just want to know whats going on in my body. i hate unanswered questions. i hate waiting. and honestly, i hate that i even have to deal with all these dumb tests. my fingers are crossed that my results will be on mychart tonight at midnight. we shall see. i hope no news means good news. but dang it! i want some news.

anyways...

tonight as mom was finishing getting ready to go to dinner with dad, dad walked into the living room, stopped at the door and just stared at me. i finally look up and said "ummm is this a staring contest?" he said "no i'm just starting to see so much of myself in you. you sit there with a smile on your face, but behind those eyes i can tell that you are thinking about so much more than you let on." i burst out into uncontrollable giggles because ... well he was right.

he has always been able to do this. it's weird. he knows when i'm sick by looking in my eyes. he knows when i have a secret, when i'm upset, or any other emotion by just looking in my eyes. it must be a dad thing, or maybe i am a lot like him. i wouldn't mind. i have never been good at hiding what i am feeling. i cry when im sad. i laugh when i'm happy. if i'm not talking, something is wrong. you will learn these things quickly. i try to mask it, but it never works. dad says my eyes say everything. i guess he is right. he is the same way.

okay next tangent...

remember the other day when i said i loved that kid's music? Steve Moakler. well like i said my cousin went to college with him. well i've been bugging my cousin about how much i love him and i may or may not have stalked him and he's only like 24. or 25. or 26. one of those. but she said she'd message him about me. so stay tuned. maybe i found prince charming hahahah. just kidding. kinda. hey i dream big.

well. now i'm in pajamas about to watch Bachelor night 2 for this week. the drama llama is named tiara this season. it's hilarious.

okay well thanks for reading about my life.

love you all.

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

life. is. beautiful.

today was good. church. sunshine. and a nap were my favorite things.

i had a migraine today. it was no fun. i hate them. im happy to be off medication, but now my body has a mind of it's own. i hate migraines. they scare me. they remind me of bad times. they remind me i have a brain tumor. they remind me i have a reason to be fearful. my steroid didn't work. i slept, didn't help. finally excedrin and a quesadilla and coffee did the trick.

i wrote a paper. read a lot. did online assignments that are such a waste of time it's not even funny. planned out my week in my planner. it helps that my planner is so cute, or i would hate this part of sunday's. but the vera bradley patterns make it not so bad.

i had a great conversation with pops. he has so much wisdom. i love our times together. i am thankful for such a Godly dad. i talked with mom about a book im reading. it's called "preparing to be his helpmeet" im really learning a lot from it. it's stories of waiting for the guy God has prepared for you to marry, but being patient and in prayer for him until then. i would recommend. it. sometimes i think i should get paid for marketing things on my blog. but then i remember hardly anyone reads this most days. hahah. no money.

i didn't watch the superbowl. im gunna be real honest. the only time you'll find me watching that is under 3 circumstances. 1. the steelers are playing. 2. the browns are playing. 3. i have a husband who makes me watch it with him because i make him watch grey's anatomy and chick flicks and reality tv that he hates. and this year, none of those happened. so thus. a movie was watched.

the movie:: october baby. wow. incredible. my heart is full.

probably one of the best movies i have ever seen. ranked up there with my nicholas sparks obsession. i can't give the whole story away in case you haven't seen it. but what i can say...you need to see this. it's a story about a girl who finds out that she is the survivor of a failed abortion. the story is beautiful. it is portrayed in an beautiful and real way. i could watch it over and over again. there is love, hate, lies, and every other emotion you could imagine with such a situation. this girl. the survivor in the movie. she is bold and beautiful and confident and despite the story unfolding and realizing so much of her life has been a secret, she is still living. still loving. it is amazing.

so now of course i'm listening to the soundtrack. and i tweet the lyrics of the first song because they are adorable. "please, excuse me while i fall for you" - steve moakler.
so then my cousin tweets me to tell me she went to Belmont with him. so now i'm like "is this destiny? kayla set us up. husband." and she thinks im kidding but i'm kind of dead serious. hahah. okay but really. listen to the soundtrack. its incredible. the whole time during the movie of course my music brain is going "wow, this song. i love it" literally to every song. so i might be listening to this for days.

needless to say. today i am thankful for my life. very thankful. even though it's been a battle. i have pushed right through. i've found beauty. i've had God on my side. so the battle hasn't been so bad. life. is. beautiful. it is just is. God is God. and He is good.

still waiting on test results. i literally can't believe i'm still typing that sentence. fingers crossed for tomorrow.

"To be human is to be beautifully flawed."

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

[ the God of angel armies is always by my side. ]

"the God of angel armies is always by my side."

wow. what a statement. so true and yet so easily forgotten. 

this is the first thing i read when i woke up this morning. tears filled my eyes. the last few weeks have been draining. more draining than i could have ever imagined. i have been filled with emotions of fear, anger, happiness, praise, sadness, love, and many more. none of these emotions are really alike so to say i have been overwhelmed would be an understatement. i have been reminded by many that God is in control. i too have spoken these words to friends over the past weeks. but it is easier to say it, then to live it. i know He is in total control, but sometimes it takes other words to truly believe it.

maybe i needed the picture of angels. maybe it helped me to find peace. 

the picture in my mind when i hear angel armies is beautiful. i am excited to see them one day. i have always imagined angels to look a certain way. i feel like everyone has a different mental image of them. but i have always found it hard to imagine such a great number of angels, how beautiful they will look, and sound. i am excited for that part of heaven. 

but to elaborate on the beginning and end of the statement. GOD IS ALWAYS BY MY SIDE. i have been told this for as long as i can remember. stories of the miraculous things He did in my life when i was born. miracles within my own family since then and miracles around me. they has always been a part of my life. miracles have. i have always believed in them. so isn't God ALWAYS being by my side a miracle in itself? i think so. i take great comfort in it. especially today. He brings me comfort in weeks like the past few. He heals my heart of fear and hurt. medicine could ever do this. trust me.

if i'm being honest today i am not feeling 100% me. my stomach is upset. my mind is racing. it's just an off day. im tired of waiting. and waiting. and waiting. i just want answers. so today i am just not sassy spunky shelby. i have been in bed since 9:30. this never happens. i hope tomorrow i am her again. but tonight i will fall asleep with peace. hopefully dream of angels. that would be wonderful.

if you are reading this ... i love you for that ... continue to pray. 

I know Who goes before me I know Who stands behind. The God of angel armies
Is always by my side. The One who reigns forever He is a Friend of mine The God of angel armies Is always by my side. - Chris Tomlin. 

"When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked. "Don’t be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them." And Elisha prayed, "Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see." Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha." 
   - 2 Kings 6: 15-17

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse