my biannual MRI is next tuesday. you know. the one where we check on mr. brain tumor and make sure he's just chillin and not causing any issues beyond the migraines. i've been a weepy and grumpy mess for about a week now. i apologize to anyone who has to be around me before tuesday. haha i'm just not myself. it happens every time. this will never get easy. it never should. because this isn't normal. there should not be a tumor in my brain. but there is. our prayer this time is that i can go back to yearly scans. my tumor remains stable and last time he got a new name. i'm trying to put on a brave face and have confidence that everything is fine. but i also have to be realistic with myself. thankfully if everything isn't fine the Lord is still very good and very faithful. So i trust in Him no matter what. He makes me BRAVE.
a few days ago i was driving home under a setting sun. i was talking to God about my life. during these times i usually find myself telling him things and going "but you already know thats going on" and laughing at myself. but this was different. this was me saying "you know whats happening next but i don't yet and i hate it. i wish i could just have a glimpse." i am sure many of you have had these thoughts before. anyways. i decided to turn on my favorite Christian radio station Air1. [ if you don't listen to air1 you should. it is amazing music. lots of worship songs. and no weird commercials about windows and things. JUST SAYIN. ] anyways. one of my favorite songs by Brit Nicole was wrapping up and i was like "aww man i really would like to sing that right now" and then...
something new and pure began coming through my speakers. a song i had never heard but one that quickly caught my attention. the entire song was beautiful. but it was the bridge of the song that brought me to tears. it was simple [ You make me BRAVE. You make me BRAVE. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves. ] as i drove through misty eyes i just let the words sink in.
it was called You make me BRAVE. bethel music was the noted artist. when i got home i found it on itunes and began to listen over and over again. i googled the lyrics and found a video of the girl who wrote it explaining why she did. it was one of those moments when you go "hey God so i know you revealed that to her but i feel like she wrote it for me" and He is like "she did...well actually i did...trust me...stop being so afraid."
THOSE ARE THE BEST MOMENTS YOU GUYS.
i have listened all week. it is just so good. and so i decided to write about it. if you are surprised you don't know me well.
the english nerd within me looked up merriam-webster's definitions of brave::
- having or showing courage
- showing no fear
well. i don't quite live up to those standards yet. but i'm trying...or rather choosing.
i'm choosing to be brave. next tuesday. and in the days to come. it isn't easy. in fact some days it seems impossible. but the Lord knows my heart and He knows my days. so i really have nothing to fear. I will put my trust in Him and let Him make me BRAVE.
one of my favorite lines in the whole song says "you call me out beyond the shore into the waves." i feel like this couldn't be truer of my life. like i said before. this isn't normal. its uncomfortable. and an awkward subject. and sometimes if i think about it too long its absolutely terrifying that there is something inside my brain that has the ability to kill me. but God has called us to be uncomfortable. it is so easy to stand at the shore line. but when you enter into the waves and go through the hard times He is there to rescue. and that is a beautiful thought.
also...just to give you a laugh. i cried during a folgers coffee commercial yesterday and today as i watched one of my favorite shows a guy shaved his head and went into brain surgery and i sat in the living room and sobbed. #MYCRAZYISSHOWING
also...you guys. thank you for reading. and thank you for accepting these little glimpses into my heart. i hope i never come across as attention seeking or annoying. it is just that i am so thankful. and i truly believe the prayers i have received over the last 23 years have kept me alive.
well...thats all my brain has in it right now...well except my tumor...okay sorry bad joke wednesday. but really. time to go watch "i'll be home for christmas" ... you know the 1998 disney movie with the heartthrob total dream boat jonathan taylor thomas in it? yes. it's on netflix. and i'm gunna go watch it. you should too.
i love you all and i am so blessed by your sweet prayers as i walk this journey called life.
BLESSED by a heavenly Daddy,
P.S. link to song below. listen. with tissues.