Friday, October 31, 2014

"and then her heart changed...or at least she understood it." - j.r.r. tolkien

hello people:: welcome.

it's currently the middle of the night on october 31st. my parents are in florida and upstairs sleeps two of my greatest friends. but my mind runs wild and so i decided to do what i always do when i need to process things:: i write.

for those of you who are new to reading this blog of mine you should know a few things.
i hate capitalization and punctuation. i don't know where commas belong and i really have no proper grammatical skills at all. i missed that chunk of 7th grade and literally never recovered. but keep reading. because i promise what i have to say still is great without being grammatically correct. just call me the e.e. cummings of 2014.
hey. if i ever become a famous rapper i'm gunna put that in one of my beats.

pshhh boom psshhh boom. they call me tiny taylor. shout out to all my haters. i don't know where commas go. my mama said its cause i'm so...crazy and can't focus. i tried to learn it once. but that attempt was bogus. i try to keep my lyrics clean. but sometimes they get away from me. i'll keep my grammar simple so...just call me...the e.e. cummings of 2014. pshhh boom psshhh boom pshhh.

hope you liked that. yes. i know i'm ridiculous. thats okay. also. i rap better than that i promise. i can rap superbass like no bodys business. and if it wasn't the middle of the night i'd probably have just written a rap that would make eminem want to pay me to use it. ok maybe a little bit dramatic. or a lot. okay moving on.

october is coming to a close. and i haven't written in a while.
well. thats not entirely true. i've been writing. just not here.
but today i decided to sit and write here.

also my last post...well it was just such a downer and im sorry about that...but this life isn't always full of sunshine. i'm not perfect and i can't pretend that every day is great. and i never want to come across as anything but pure and honest so i felt like i needed to give you a glimpse into one of those stormy days. you know the ones where i just have to be honest and tell you that it sucks to live with tumor in your brain. and it's freaking scary. so if you didn't read that feel free. or don't. i'm not sure. mama keeps reminding me that it was really sad....enter...this new post to bring a little sunshine back! i mean i still gotta keep it real but this one should be happy!

first of all. happy harvest! or happy fall! or happy autumn! whatever floats your boat. but i'm all about a good alliteration so harvest seemed like the best word choice.

second of all. i've been rather quiet up in here...

so i figured i'd catch you up on my life::

this fall has been filled with some pretty great memories. i'll try to give you a short version. but as you know very well i do nothing simply.


::august went like this:: 

my niece turned one. my bestie erin officially became a nurse. robin williams passed away and the world was devastated that such a hilarious and beautifully talented man couldn't see how amazing he was and was unable to be happy here on earth. my grandma taylor turned 87 and she is still the cutest ever. i spent a day at the zoo with malakai, shiloh and mama. my bestie erin turned 22. america did the ice water bucket challenge for ALS and over $100 million dollars. our family got to celebrate my dad being at cvca for 30 years and it was one of the most special nights of my whole life. S/O TO RT. my beautiful cousin kellie celebrated 10 years cancer free.

and august ended with my heart in a million pieces as precious kate was diagnosed with brain cancer for the third time. i hate brain tumors.

::september went like this::

kate had brain surgery. i spent a wonderful day with my niece and nephew. surge came back-as in the pop-as in the pop that made my brothers crazy friend cole climb up trees and down into sewers when they were little-as in it shouldn't have come back. red band society premiered-a show my heart just resonates with. we continued to pray for kate and plead with God for a miracle for her. ian's birthday came-he would have been 15-i ate rocknes that day for him. i celebrated my forever crush on graham bunn by instagramming him. BUT REALLY. I WISH I COULD MAN CRUSH MONDAY INSTAGRAM GRAHAM EVERY MONDAY. HE IS A FREAKING DREAM BOAT. i got a new iPhone. my beautiful friend corrie turned 23. i met baby calvin-my friend and sister chelsea's little boy-he lives in california-i miss him-and his mama.

and september ended with my heart extremely full. my best friend of 21 years ana turned 23 and we had the best dinner celebration together-i love her so-we have been through so much craziness in this life together and i am so thankful for her-i know we will be friends for life.

::october went like this::

my friend/seth's girlfriend bryna's dad was diagnosed with cancer-please be praying for their family. kate started chemo. i walked out of cvs one day and got into the wrong toyota camry and it was really embarassing because the real owner saw the whole thing. THIS IS REAL LIFE. I'M TELLING THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. a woman became famous overnight for deciding she would die with dignity and my heart broke for her because i wish so badly that she didn't think that was the only way-i wish she knew Jesus and knew that His days for her are so much greater than anything she could ever imagine and i wish she wouldn't cut those short. my brothers from other mothers celebrated birthdays-angelo and keith are so special to me. kate got to go home from the hospital and we continue to pray for healing. i went to amishland with the gang and we had the best time. i went on small group trip. i celebrated 4 years of my brain tumor being stable and God's faithfulness throughout my whole journey. PRAISE HIM! kate began her second round of chemo and we continue to pray for a miracle.

and october ended with my heart changing. in the most literal way. something you may not know:: i have a congenital heart defect known as pulmonary valve stenosis. we've monitored it my whole life. appointments every year, then two years and when i turned 18 they let me know i could switch to 5 year gaps between appointments. and today i went and found out maybe that wasn't the right decision. i met with a new doctor. one for adults with childhood heart disease and defects. he was really smart. and he's nationally known as a great cardiologist. i googled him. YES. I KNOW. I'M CRAZY. I GOOGLE PHYSICIANS TO MAKE SURE THEY MEET MY EXPECTATIONS. his words were "you are okay. but there was a change. don't panic. this isn't an emergency. but we need to monitor more closely again. we will go back to appointments every other year to see if this change is going to become a pattern." my best friend elly was a trooper and came with me to the appointment but ended up having to leave early. so when i heard this i was alone. i didn't cry shockingly. i think i just kept saying "don't panic...not an emergency...come back in 2016 instead of 2020" somehow that helped.

i called mom and dad to tell them. i was fine. i got chick fil a. went home. took a nap. and when i woke up it hit me like a truckload of bricks. and not completely in the way you may think. lets be real for a second: i obviously went into the appointment thinking everything was going to be awesome and there would be no issues and they would say okay see you in five years. but that isn't what happened. so i first had to deal with that.

there was change and there was nothing i could do about it. and then the tears came.

second i just again realized...this world is not my home. i can plan all i want...but it won't get me anywhere. the Lord's plans for my life are so much greater than anything i could ever fathom. i would rather these bumps in the road disappear but that isn't how life works. i have often prayed for complete healing of my whole body. and i know others have as well...and it might happen...but if it doesn't i have to be okay with that.

i have recently been reflecting on the idea of "...and if not HE is still good." it comes from the story of shadrach, meshach, and abednego in daniel 3. they knew that the Lord could deliver them from the fiery furnace, but they also knew that if He didn't he was still a great God. i think this is one of my favorite stories in the bible. because i relate to it so well. YOU GUYS! GOD DELIVERED THEM FROM A FURNACE! IT'S ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE! i know with all my heart, soul and mind that the Lord could deliver me from this fiery furnace [also known as a brain tumor, genetic disorder and immune system that just downright sucks] but if He doesn't choose to do so i also know with all my heart, soul and mind that He is still such a faithful God.

if the Lord chooses to heal me one day of all of this, i pray that i can use the stories to bring glory to no one but Him. and if He doesn't i pray i can use these stories i am currently living in to do the same thing. because our God is a God who brings healing you guys. even if it isn't physical. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THAT!

i love you guys and i am so thankful that you read my ramblings...

i'm going to try to start blogging more.

BLESSED by a heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

1 comment:

  1. i love your heart, shelby.
    yes, He IS still good, He is ALWAYS good <3