Thursday, March 1, 2018

never stop trying to make me see.

"never stop trying to make me see me the way you see me."

kate pearson said that to her dad. if you don't watch this is us ... you should. 


it's probably the most beautiful thing a daughter could ever say to her father. 

after i watched the episode- the more i thought about it - i decided that is my hearts cry to the Lord. to never stop. to make me see me the way He does. to endlessly persue. to recklessly encourage. to make me KNOW that i am loved + cherished +worthwhile. to make me SEE what i was created for and to TEACH me how i can better use my gifts to bring Him glory! 

some of those feelings stemming from my heart as a single 26 year old with a deep desire to get married and have a big family one day. and some of the feelings stemming from my dreams for the rest of my life as far as a career and what i am capable of. and some of them stem from a lifetime of the unexpected + a hope for a future full of beauty. 

recently i have started to tell people what i think the Lord is calling me to ... and it's so scary to say out loud. and every time i say it i laugh because i am still in the "you can't be serious Lord." space. but He is. He is totally serious. i'm not ready to say it here. maybe sometime soon. but not yet. but y'all - it's about to get crazy! 

as I feel this calling i'm keep asking myself "well geez why did it take so long for me to see?! why did it take so long for me to understand?!" and i think i just needed to mature. see myself through His perspective. see myself the way He sees me. 

the past few months have been hard. i have been sick and not feeling 100% since Christmas. swollen and sore lymph nodes in my neck. totally exhausted. and for lack of a better word - i'm stressed. doctors. bloodwork. more doctors. tests for mono - tests for lymphoma. all negative. they don't know what it is. it could be "normal noonan syndrome stuff" which isn't normal at all. noonan syndrome is full of surprises. but im over it. i'm tired and tired of feeling sick.

a few weeks ago i ended an antibiotic on a tuesday + then wednesday i puked all day long. it was awful. that thursday i took my first full sick day of this school year + slept all day. then friday i got on a red eye home to meet my best friend's newborn + rest. 

because i think that is what I'm being called to do this year ... in this season ... rest. 

it's time to slow down. give God room to move. remain still + wait on Him. relax + listen to His voice. learn about who He is. study His word more. get to know Him deeper than ever before. but most because i have a feeling i am about to be launched into something grand + i need to be ready. i need to be rested. 

the past year + a half has been...really busy. i hate that word but it's the truth! i feel like i got on the tea cup ride at disney land and they won't let me off ... and i can't get it to stop. it's been go go go. and my "i'll sleep when i'm dead" mentality isn't going to cut it anymore. i have to start listening to my body. i have to slow down. 

and i don't mean "netflix and chill" rest. i mean ... everything has to shift rest. this is something that america doesn't do well as a whole. and everytime i tell someone i have to explain that i'm not wanting to be lazy. i just need a minute. this body of mine is different than most - and unless i take a step back - it's going to shut off. i don't mean i'm going to die - i mean i'm going to crash. and that usually means everything will start hurting and no one will know whats wrong. and it's already begun. i can feel my body begging for a break. 

rest isn't something i like. i think it's because i associate being still with being sick. and so whenever i feel even semi decent i pack in the stuff - see all the people + don't sleep enough. this cycle in which i often refuse to listen to my body tell me to slow down - it can't continue. 

a few weeks ago a sweet soul told me ... shel - even the Lord rested. oh my did i need to hear that. God isn't expecting me to be wonder woman. in face - i bet He's going "shelby elyse! stop and breathe! don't do all the things! protect your body." but it's hard for me. because i want everyday to be filled to the brim.

since i moved to alaska the Lord has just set everything before me - from housing to friends to church. moving here alone was the scariest thing i've ever done - and He has called me to trust Him in such a deep way while being here. and now i believe He is calling me to trust Him - but also trust myself. for the past 18 months - i feel like He lays down a brick and i step onto it. and as soon as i step onto that brick - He lays down another. He hasn't let me see a big picture - because He has wanted me to trust. but now - then He started to lay 3 or 4 bricks at a time - He gave me a bigger picture - let me see a few steps ahead. as my trust has grown - so has the picture. and now He wants me to step out in faith. keep walking even when i don't see any bricks laid before me. keep leaping onto them anyway.

He has let me see some things but He wants me to walk by faith. He wants me to see the way He does. He wants me to trust myself AND trust in Him. 

as i said - a few weeks ago i went home to ohio. #gocavs #gotribe i flew down because my best friend since kindergarten had a baby girl one month ago + i had to meet her. 

little isla jane aker is perfect + precious.

there's something particularly beautiful about holding a tiny baby in your arms that your bff birthed. i can't wait to tell her all the stories of growing up with her red headed crazy mama. her parents are two of my favorite people on this earth + their friendship is something i deeply cherish. 

i also flew home to relax. something i desperately needed. time to be still. to not worry about anything + just be. mama brave kept reminding me "don't make too many plans." i tried to listen. but man i love my people. so i saw some and decided not to see others so i could rest. 

i talked to some of my most trusted friends and mentors while i was home. we talked about where i was in life - what God was doing - how beautiful it is that He has brought me this far - the gifts He has given me - and what is next. one night in particular - i had sweet time with my mom and dad - and one of my most treasured friends who is like a mama to me. we sat in the family room - talking about my future - talking about my past. talking about the hard and the beautiful. what has been challenging and what my strengths are.

after every conversation -  i walked away with an assurance that i was on the right path. that i wasn't crazy. but what i found to be the most interesting was that - almost every person pointed out things about me that i didn't see. they talked about parts of my story that could help my future - ones that i didn't always think about. they said "because you did this - i think you could do that." and "the way you handled that - will help you be able to do this."

they helped me see me - the way they did.

HE used them to help me see me - the way HE does.

there is so much beauty in that.

never stop Lord ... never stop trying to make me see. 



shelby elyse taylo