Monday, February 11, 2013

[ i stand in awe of You ]

happy tears filled my eyes as i listened to the voicemail.

"shelby your results look in the normal range." the voice said. not my doctor. another one. i didn't recognize her voice. my clinical had just ended. my heart is racing. i hear the words. i said  "thank you Jesus!" probably way too loud in the elevator. people are around. they just smile. they don't know. they don't understand. for they do not know my story. and they probably never will. unless my blog blows up and my autobiograpy gets published, or unless i win a grammy, or do something really illegal. then the doctor in his mid 40's can say "hey i saw that girl in an elevator once." okay carried away.

i call the doctor back. he's on vacation so i talk to his colleague. she tells me that my body is producing white blood cells. so that is good. the production might be a little slow which would explain my low numbers recently. i'm breathing again. i can think again. of things other than hospitals. she says i have to come back for blood panels in a few months again to check everything out. and i still need to come in for shots to protect against big bugs as i call them. just in case. i say thank you a million times. she tells me my doc will call me as soon as he's back to schedule follow up and shots and discuss everything even in further detail. hey. i am relieved. he can stay on vacation as long as he wants. i'm done with medical talk. at least for now.

most of you know that anxiety has flooded my heart the past weeks. i have put on a good face. occasionally said things like "this is a bummer" or "holy freaking crap when am i going to know!?" but deep down. i've been literally sick. it has not been fun. so in all honesty, the word "relief" doesn't even begin to cover it.

i have learned much about myself the past few years. one of those things being sometimes it is very hard for me to trust. trust others. trust myself. trust God. this may be my own fault, sometimes i am too quick to open up. but i think much has played into this. both medical. and non. i am working on it. i am learning to trust better. i would say that putting my trust in God is the area that has blossomed the most. trust in myself is next. but thats complicated and can mean so many things. and trust in others is a work in progress. because as peyton sawyer from one tree hill would say "people always leave." but as i know well, my God will never leave.

all that to say. the past month. i have had no other choice but to put all my trust, hope, and faith in the hands of God. i have had sleepless nights. praying for my white cells to mass produce. praying for friends who are struggling. praying that whatever the outcome, i can handle it with grace and give the glory to God. and with each prayer, there was always a sense of worry. i know that sounds like an oxymoron. but it's just honest. but now. my worries are gone. i might be able to get a decent night sleep tonight.

so thank you for all the prayers again. thank you thank you thank you a million times. i love you all so much. seriously. thank you for reading my blog. thank you for standing with me. thank you for praying. the Lord is so faithful. i have seen this first hand the past month. now it's february. a month i am still learning to love. slowly but surely. march comes next. a month of rememberance. march is "year 8" and i can't wait.

[ God of the impossible, Maker of all miracles i will stand in awe of You, i am so amazed at how you reach into my brokenness, make me beautiful again, i believe, yes i believe nothing is impossible with You....Healer, Healer i'm restored by a Healer ] - Sarah Reeves

i love you all.

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

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