Thursday, March 19, 2015

in the moments i forget...

march always brings memories.

if you have been around long enough you know exactly what i speak of.

if you haven't ... i'll say this ... march 9th i celebrated 10 more years of life! something that was never promised but something that we are so so thankful for!

anyways...people listen::

nothing about me is ordinary...which i'm okay with. i rather be extraordinary.

something most people pick up on quickly is that...

i have always remembered the little things. birthdays. middle names. specific days when i met people. and other fantastical moments. it is just another one of those things that makes me quirky. but i think its important. to remember.

i believe...

birthdays are beautiful - probably because with each one i have had we have rejoiced. my birthday has always been extra special. when i was little the house at the beach would fill with the ones we loved + we would celebrate. it became such a big deal that i was convinced we went to sunset beach just for my birthday. as i grew older it became more apparent that it was truly a blessing that i got another day. because there could have been so many times those years were stolen from us. so i like to remember other peoples birthdays - because it is a blessing they get another year too. and everyone should feel special.

+ middle names are a magical -  while most parents used full names as a sign of punishment - mine used them as a sign of love. shelby elyse is a term of endearment in my house. so much that sometimes daddy just calls me elyse. mama calls me shelb-a-lee. some of my uncles call me the leester. you get the picture. one of my favorite writers jen hatmaker would say "middle names...they are a whole thing."

all the other little memories - i don't know why i remember them. i just do. its just the way HE wanted me to be i suppose. i seem to remember the things other people don't see as a big deal. i guess i just want people to feel loved.

the downfall of this is - i don't remember the things that i should.

things everyone else would coin as important. things like:: how to do math and how to write a proper sentence. things like what i learned last week in class or the explanations of theories i've learned for 4 years straight in child development. as you all know very well i have no idea where a comma goes. [one of my professors last semester told me she loved to read my papers cause she could hear me talking but she wanted to know why i never used commas. she said " just put it where you would pause in a sentence." i said "mrs. a have you ever heard me pause in a sentence?"] i can't do math - everyone says its not my fault. dyscalculia they tell me. basically dyslexia with numbers. the list goes on.

school is just a struggle my friends...always was + always will be.

i also don't remember things like - emptying the dishwasher - or moving my laundry to the dryer - or the cookies in the oven. - SORRY MAMA.

you know how men have selective hearing? i feel like i have selective memorization. only unlike men-it's not all my fault. i feel like my brain just decides "ehh that doesn't seem too important today" and so it just slips away. and mostly never returns.

and yet - there is an inbetween - an inbetween of moments and memories that seem to fade in and out. some are tucked away for later + begging to get out. some i wish i didn't have to think about + yet they creep into my mind. they won't let me forget.

but there are moments that are the best + worst thing all at once.

the moments i forget.

a few weeks ago my friend stephen asked me "what is a good day for you?" i told him "the days when i don't remember there is a tumor in my brain until i lay down at night...those are the good days."

that night i layed in bed and thought about that question. and my answer. and i stand by it.

because...the moments i forget that there is a monster in my head that could turn on me at any moment...those are the greatest moments. and yet - they are also the worst - because then when i remember it hits me like a ton of bricks. you'd think i'd be used to it by now. but i'm not. i never will be. because it isn't normal.

there are moments when i forget that people i love are in heaven. you know. the moment when you are wondering if they'll walk through the door + then you remember and it takes your breath away. you know. it's awful.

and then the worst of all ... are the moments when i forget Who is in control. the moments that i think somehow this story is mine. those are the worst.

last saturday i got a migraine...probably my worst one in the past year. but as it had barely begun in the stillness i layed in bed and begged my body to calm down + prayed to be able to go to sleep so i could begin to heal. and then i said to God "when? when will the suffering end? when will you say enough?" and i got angry and i hate when i get angry. but i began to get angry and i said "i know my story is changing people-but does it have to be this way? today-this is too much papa"  tears filled my eyes + then within seconds my FATHER quietly reminded me of something He said "this is My story - I am doing something still" And as His voice left i fell asleep. 

i woke up the next day-15 hours later

welll...kinda. around midnight (6 hours into the migraine) I ate some gluten free pizza and texted some people - apologies to all of you. i am crazy haha. - and then i went back to sleep. 

 [ as jen hatmaker would say:: Migraines:: They are a whole thing! -- and i would say -- especially when they are because of a brain tumor. ] 

anyways. i woke up + began to thank Him. because it is His story. + how quickly i forgot. and i felt bad for a moment and then laughed to myself + told Him. "sorry i'm such a i'll try again." I imagine He laughed too. 

so i am thankful. thankful HE is in control. 

and thankful

HE still loves me.

even in the moments i so easily forget. 

Blessed by a heavenly Daddy

Shelby Elyse 

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