amanda cook once wrote:
[ speak even if your voice is trembling. please - you've been quiet for so long. believe it'll be worth the risk your taking. you're afraid - but you can hear adventure calling. theres a rush of adrenaline to your bones. what you make - of this moment - changes everything. what if if the path you choose becomes a road? the ground you take becomes your home? the wind is high but the pressures off - I'll send the rain wherever we end up - wherever we end up. set your sights sailing far beyond familiar. in the rising tide you'll find the rhythm of your heart. lift your head - now the wind and waves don't matter. the path you choose becomes a road. the ground you take becomes your home. the wind is high but the pressures off. I'll send the rain - wherever we end up - wherever we end up. I AM the wind in your sails. I AM the wind in your sails. I AM the wind in your sails. I AM the wind in your sails. I AM the wind in your sails. I AM the wind in your sails. ]
i believe that the Lord has given me this song in this season to teach me how to trust better.
trust. it is just a small 5 letter word. but it holds so much weight.
it has been something that i have clung to + yet so often have refused to do well.
i think it is something that many people struggle with - but don't like to admit.
for me trust has meant many things.
i have trusted that my parents love me. i trust in a God that i can not see + believe that His plans for my life are incredible + that i am worthy in His eyes. i have trusted doctors with my life. to poke + prod + even dig deep in my brain. to test + retest + give me medications that people say have worked. i have trusted people with my story. i have trusted friends. i have trusted family. sometimes i have even trusted strangers. i have trusted so many things + so many people. sometimes too many things. + often too many people.
some haven't turned out to be good decisions.
friends have abandoned. medications have ruined. tests have failed. doctors have been wrong + although my parents are all kinds of wonderful...
there is only ONE things that i have trusted in + has NEVER failed me.
my Abba. my Father. my Papa.
so i do my best to trust in HIM. some days i haven't done it well. in fact - most days i haven't done it well. but i try and try and try. thankfully that is all HE cares about.
for the past few weeks He has spoken "trust me" into my heart over + over again. as hard as it is i am learning that it is the only logical thing. to trust Him.
a little under a year ago i sat in my sister's kitchen with her - she told me that it was time for me to go do my own thing - live a little - take an adventure. she told me [ put your sails up - God is the wind. ] i sat in her kitchen + i sobbed. because i knew she was right. but it totally terrified me.
the next day - the Lord gave me the song above + i have been praying ever since for Him to reveal to me where He wanted me to go. let me tell you. it took longer than i hoped it would. but it was well worth the wait.
over the last few months i looked for jobs all over the country basically. at first thinking i would just move somewhere + get any old job. then decided i wanted to be a nanny. i wanted to be part of a family. because i knew that leaving mine would be heartbreaking + really really hard. i wasn't sure that was what He had in store for me. i decided i was up for anything. i decided i would go anywhere...well sorta.
my prayer the whole time has been "okay God - i will go where You want me to go - but it would be great if i could stay in the united states. now God - hear me - if you want me to move to cambodia or the dominican republic or uganda i will - i will God - but i would really really like to stay in the united states."
apparently God has a serious sense of humor.
He is sending me to...
anchorage - alaska.
+ i leave soon. in september.
no - you are not being punked. i am 100% serious. no - my brain hasn't been removed. no - i do not need a psych ward. i am simply - moving.
going on an adventure - to alaska. i am going to be a nanny! for a really beautiful family. the Lord literally sent the job straight to me.
i had stopped looking. decided maybe i was wrong + He didn't want me to leave yet. that i would stay right where i was for the time being. + literally a week later - daddy came home saying someone told him about an opportunity. and now here we are about a month later + i am getting ready to move.
and this is the part where i have to learn to trust better.
because as much as my adventurous little heart is so excited for this - parts of it ache knowing everything i'll be leaving here.
i don't want to leave my friends.
the other night while eating dinner on the patio dad said "the problem for you is all these friends you have. when i was young we had friends but they weren't like yours. you have crazy stuff like friendship thanksgiving and your friends are like family. that is what is going to make this so hard."
no truer words have ever been spoken. my friends are my people.
i was told once [find your tribe. love them hard.] and i think i have done that well.
a few weekends ago one of my best friends since kindergarten got married. to a boy we went to school with since kindergarten. life is crazy you guys. the night before we the wedding we were on the roof of the hotel having a rehearsal dinner. we had wine + laughed + took pictures + it was just great to be together. well - one picture that was so special was of myself and 4 other people that have remained my friends since kindergarten + we were all in the wedding together. 2 were the bride + groom. 1 was a groomsman + 2 of us were bridesmaids. because my brain loves everything to be precious and nostalgic - as soon as we took the pictures all i could think was "thank you God for this moment." because. i knew in that moment without Him i wouldn't have been in it. + that in itself is an extraordinary thing. but my point is. my friends aren't just my friends. they are like my family. they have walked the unimaginable roads i have been asked to walk - right along side me - and they have done so beautifully. so leaving them. - all of them - is going to be hard. i'm just trying not to think about it.
i don't want to leave my family.
my brother is in california. so i have a feeling i'll be seeing just as much of him as i would if i were in ohio. he + bryna will come visit. i'll go to them. i'm hoping we can meet in hawaii at some point. sethy roo has always been one of my greatest friends. so i'm hoping i can see him more since we'll at least be on the same side of the country. so i don't really leave him. but i mean he is my family. my best big brother friend. so i couldn't leave him out.
my sister is currently 1 mile away. so i won't be seeing her too much. i am so so grateful that we had the last year together. what a blessing it is that the Lord brought her and mark and the littles back to the 330 for a little while. before He called me to leave i mean. it is going to be sad to leave them. i can't even think about leaving the littles without getting teary eyed. i am SO GLAD i got to watch them last summer - of 2015 i mean. morning donut dates will always be one of my favorite memories with them. my bubba and shy baby will always be my two favorite kids in all the land + i will miss their giggles and hearing them unexpectedly walk through the door.
my parents - well they are just right down the hall. and this goodbye is going to be all kinds of heartbreak. mama + daddy have been my besties for 25 years. i turned 25 on july 18th. i have never lived without them. + i'm sure they can't remember life without me. haha just kidding. i imagine it was boring :) but really. the past few weeks my heart has been just aching at the thought of being without them. but at the same time that makes me feel like it is the right thing for me to do. i'm making it sound like i depend on them for literally everything. which is seriously not the case. but holy cow they have taken care of me for 25 years + it is just going to be hard. dad wont come pitterpattering down the stairs in the morning to ask if i need to take coffee to work. mom won't be there to watch dancing with the stars and grey's anatomy with me. i won't hear them arguing over the sink in the bathroom. they won't be eating dinner with me. it is just going to be a really big adjustment. + a really sad adjustment. oh my heart you guys i'm literally weeping writing this. granted. it is the middle of the night. and i'm sleepless. but holy cannoli i'm a wreck.
also ... i'm sad to leave my puppy too. YES. i know. pathetic. but at least i'm honest.
and there are a whole bunch of other ohio things i'm going to miss. but they aren't as important as the people.
so it is going to be hard.
but it is going to be beautiful + new + a time of growth.
the Lord has much in store for me. that I am sure of.
I am not alone. He is with me.
He is ...
the WIND in my sails.
[ i would greatly appreciate all of your prayers as i embark on this new adventure. my heart is full of joy + ache all at once + i'm feeling all kinds of emotional. my brother getting married a few days ago isn't helping these tears. now i know how women feel when they are 8 months pregnant and their husband forgot to get the pickles from the grocery store. ]
i will probably be blogging more in alaska. one of my goals is to get my book finished. so keep reading!
BLESSED by a Heavenly Daddy
Shelby Elyse Taylor