Wednesday, January 3, 2018

if i was 16 again.

i've been thinking about high school lately. who i was. how i acted. the choices i made. who my friends were. who i wish i had been friends with. and so much more.

and if i'm being totally honest with you. there are so many things i would have done differently.

i would have sat with the loner more.

i would have stood up for the kid getting picked on more.

i would have stood up for myself more.

i would have TP'd more people. haha but really.

when i didn't get asked to homecoming or prom i wouldn't have been upset.

i would not have tried to act different. because lets be real. it never worked.

i wouldn't have been embarassed about my learning disability.

i wouldn't have worn certain clothes or shoes to try to "fit in" because i wasn't born to fit in.

i wouldn't have told everyone who i had a crush on. because i ended up embarassing myself every time. and still being alone. why didn't i learn?

BOYS who i had a crush on - i'm so sorry i was so crazy.

because as taylor swift once wrote "in your life you'll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team." i shoulda listened to t-swift.

i wish i would have invested into a smaller group of people rather than try to be friends with every single person in school.

BUT - i also wouldn't have apologized for keeping my kindergarten 5 so close to my heart. because i wasn't trying to exclude - i was just holding close what meant the most.

i would have tried to protect myself more. and maybe trusted a little less.

one time i walked out of bible class because i disagreed so strongly with what my teacher was saying. if i had to go back - i don't think i would have walked out. i probably would have tried to have a discussion about it. but at the time i was grieving a loss and i just couldn't come to grips with what that teacher was saying. i still don't agree with what was said - but now i understand where that person was coming from. so i wish i would have stayed that day.

i would have listened to my mom and dad when they said " i don't think this friend is someone who will stick around. " OR " he isn't worth it. " OR " trooper don't try to be like anyone else. "

i wouldn't have straightened my hair.

i would have paid closer attention in spanish class.

i would have apologized more.

i would have complained less.

i would have been more grateful that i got to go to such an amazing school.

i wish i could go back to all the days i missed. because i was home sick so much. i feel like i missed out on a ton. i wish i had those days back.

if i could go back...

i would have invited the cheerleaders and the drama kids over at the same time. because i think they would have loved each other. maybe not. but i wish i would have done that.

i wouldn't have gotten upset when people called me annoying. because as a wise friend told me this year. all those people in high school were just confused. annoying wasn't the right word. i was just... confident. okay. maybe annoying sometimes.

i would have gone to visit my dad in his office more often. and coach spodnik. why didn't i do that?

i would have told mom that i couldn't keep wearing children's place clothes in high school. because it happened you guys. hahaha. oh man.

i would have told myself that most of what i worried about was trivial.

i wouldn't have worried that i was going to die before 20.

i would have told myself that depression would hit - but i would be okay.

i would have hugged my friends more.

i would have never missed an opportunity to tell my people i loved them.

i would have dreamed bigger.

i would have been braver.

i would have been a little more bold.

theres so much i would have done.

theres no going back.

but  how beautiful it has been to learn.

what would you tell your 16 year old self?

be brave

shelby elyse taylor

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