so HE can show up + SHINE

this year i have promised to be more vulnerable and honest with you.

i have promised to be bold and brave.

i have chosen to have the hard conversations no matter the cost.

and i am willing to write about things i have been unwilling to write about before.

if you know me you know i get sick a lot. i was the kid that missed a million days of school + who became bff's with her doctors. if i had to narrow my health down to three topics it would be:: genetic disorder. brain tumor. immunosuppressed. and those of course all branch out into much more complicated stories of their own. because when it comes to health problems nothing is easy. i am complicated + confusing + if someone handed you my charts you'd be shocked i'm still breathing. that is just how it is. it has always been this way + i think it always will be.

true story:: there have been so many times doctors have brought other doctors in just to see me. one time at the dermatologist they were fascinated by my genetic disorder + my mama + i just laughed. it's typical. i'm unique. that is the bottom line.

and you know what? that is okay. because this is my story.

last weekend i was spending time with a family i am growing to love more and more here in alaska. saturday afternoon as i was sautéing balsamic brussel sprouts in their kitchen + coughing up a storm from my bronchitis - one of their kids asked me about being sick. i quickly glazed over it + he simply stated "well why don't you just get prayed for and get healed?" he quickly dug his hole deeper + followed it up with "maybe God is testing you?" his mom yelled into the kitchen for him to just stop talking hahah.

he meant no harm. and i took no offense because he's a 14 year old boy + their brains are mush. plus. he wasn't the first person to ask me this in my life. i wasn't surprised or caught off guard. people have often asked these hard questions.

oh how i wish it was that simple though. to just get prayed for and get healed. how glorious would life be if that happened every single time!? but then again ... it wouldn't be simple would it?

i explained to him that if i was healed - i wouldn't be me. i wouldn't have my story. and i wouldn't be able to minister to the people i do. i told him that people have prayed for healing for me - but that God's plan isn't for everyone to be healed. i wish it was. but i am not the author of my story. the Lord is. and His story is perfect. even if that means i have to live in an imperfect body that turns on itself every once in a while.

i started to imagine it though ... if i had been healed. like. completely healed. what would life look like?

yes. life would have been much simpler had i never been sick in the first place. if i was born + was a completely healthy baby. if i never got a brain tumor. if my genetic disorder didn't decide to pick me as it's culprit out of the blue.

i could sit here + scream + cry + tell you that it's not fair. that i deserve better. that i deserve a new body. right now. but i won't. because that isn't how i feel.

because if i had never been sick there would be some other kind of battle. maybe mental illness or a broken family. or one of my siblings or parents could have been the one with chronic illness. and let me tell you. i could NOT handle that. i would pick a brain tumor + being stuck in bed sick every few months over just about any other issue. i would consider myself to be strong + brave + able to push through just about anything. but in all honesty - the minute someone else i love is sick or in pain i panic. i tell them [ go to the doctor! what if you are dying? you need bloodwork! ] i am a great patient + not a great care taker when it comes to sickness. i'll take it - spare the rest of them i say!!!

now. hear me people! this isn't to say that the Lord hasn't healed me at all. He has. He has performed absolute miracles on me.

[ for instance:: when i was born they told mom + dad that i would be blind and deaf and need oxygen and a feeding tube the rest of my life. they said i may not walk or talk + a million other "she will nevers" BUT! HELLO! they were wrong! i have crappy vision + extraordinary hearing. my lungs can produce a scream better than the movies + decide to develop pneumonia all in one week. i don't have a feeding tube + i never shut up + i walk just fine. again. the doctors aren't the authors. GOD is the author. HE has the final say. ]

 all i'm saying is that I haven't been COMPLETELY healed.

but what i'm beginning to realize is that isn't what i would want anyway.

our trials make us who we are. and i think i've always known this - it's just more apparent in my adult life.

wouldn't you agree?

maybe you have suffered from an eating disorder or depression. maybe you went through a sticky divorce or one of your kids has walked away from God. maybe you are battling cancer or lost a child. whatever it may be - despite the hurt and pain and terrible times. can't you look back + see what God was doing? see that His intention wasn't to harm you? see that your faith has grown despite the unimaginable being your reality?

maybe you aren't there yet. you are sitting there going [ she is off her rocker. slow your roll shelby. you are so wrong. i am in the middle of a mess. God is no where. ]

but i promise you ... one day you will get there. you will realized that your faith has been refined in the fire. that the Lord showed up in the loss. that beautiful things come from the biggest battles. and that GRACE is all you see.

the Lord's plan for my life has never been to give me a perfect body here on earth. His plan for my life has been to ALLOW me to live in a body that battles itself.  so that HE can show up + shine through me anyway. despite the imperfection.

because after all ... that is what we all are ... completely imperfect.

so i don't want to be healed. because that isn't the plan.

i just wanna live a life that the Lord would be proud of.

i just wanna shine.

be brave

shelby elyse taylor

vulnerable. brave. willing. ready.

it's january now. and i am promising this year that i will be more vulnerable. more honest. more willing to have the hard conversations. more willing to hear truth spoken in love. more secure in who i am + more able to be exactly who i was created to be. i am promising to be brave no matter the cost + find complete refuge in Christ - trusting that His "it's all good shelbs - I've got it." is truth. i'm ready. or at least i'm ready to try.

last year ... last year i promised to live up to a quote that simply said "this year i will be stronger, braver, kinder, unstoppable + this year i will be fierce!" and let me just say ...

i think i did it. i was strong and brave + unstoppable when i moved to alaska.

i hope i was kind ... i guess that is up to you guys.

and i'm not gunna lie ... i am so FIERCE!!!!

okay back to this year. this year is new. this year is different.

last week i read the book "bread + wine" by shauna niequist. it was one of the most beautiful and transparent books i have ever read. i laughed out loud + cried ugly tears. i found myself longing to be more transparent. i found myself relating to her writing + feeling like she was across the table from me - handing me a gluten free pastry + a big cup of hot coffee + saying "it's okay sister - you can be honest with yourself." i found myself dreaming of becoming a wife and mom and filling my house with people and all the best foods. i found myself missing my tribe back home + weeping because i knew if i was home they would be my cooking club. i found myself relating to her heart + her hurt. i found myself thankful that she's a mess just like the rest of us + her ability to be honest about it is something i hope to get better at this year.

because people ... i am a mess. sometimes a wreck. i am loud and unabashedly bold. sometimes too bold. i am so imperfect. i hurt people. i scream and yell and sometimes i'm totally out of control. i often tell people i need the t-shirt that says [ i love Jesus - but i cuss a little. ] because i do. when i'm angry or excited - choice words flow from my lips - sometimes too easily. just last week i flipped out at my brother and said SH*T like 5 times or maybe 10 + my parents were there + i was wild and out of control. i'm crazy. brutally honest. rude and sometimes mean. and i could name off handfuls of people that REALLY don't like me. but you know what?

my identity is not found in your opinion of me

 + i refuse to keep living like it is. i refuse to worry anymore about what you think of me. whether that be loving me or hating me. it's exhausting. i think so many people feel this way. why do we care how many people follow us on instagram? why do we live in expectation - hoping someone "cool" will want to be our friend? the pressure some days is too much - and i feel like my entire being could just explode - like a grenade. i don't wish to keep living this way for one more day. i refuse it. i say to myself [ no - this isn't just - this isn't what matters - stop! ] + i step away from my phone + i breathe in the cool alaska air + i remind myself what matters.

towards the end of shauna's book she has a chapter about summer - and as i read it i cried + remembered + i laughed + dreamed. i related to her on every level. except the part about having a baby. haha. throughout the book shauna beautifully discloses her body shame and how she dealt with it for the better part of her life. but in this particular chapter she talks of summer + all the spectacular things that come with it + then she talks about the dreadful parts as well - being seen in a bathing suit. a few quotes stuck out to me as she unpacked her box of worry. she said [ my friends are not actually counting the days till summer to see if i've finally turned into a supermodel. ] haha! but i think the best part of all was this ... [ shame ... it whispers to us that everyone is as obsessed with our failings as we are. it insists that there is a watchdog group devoted completely to my weight or her wrinkles or his shrinking bank account ... shame tells us we're wrong for having the audacity to be happy when we're so clearly terrible. shame wants us to be deeply apologetic for just daring to exist. ] + then she redeems that whole rant by sweeting admitting that she will not live like that anymore. she says [ i'm going to live in the body God made me, not because it's perfect but because it's mine ... i'm not going to let a lifetime of shame about my body get in the way of living in a rich, wild, grateful, wide-open way. i'm not going to give into the cultural pressure that says women's bodies are only beautiful when they're very, very small ... i'm not going to bow to the voice inside my head that says i should be ashamed of myself for being so unruly and wild ... i'm not going to hide. ] oh this part it made we weep. it brought memories of  my childhood on the beach + memories of feeling shame now. i said "you go girl" a few times + prayed i could be as brave as her.

because if i'm being honest with you ... this is something i have quietly dealt with for quite some time. shame. about my body and how it looks. medications have ruined + years of illness are reflected in this body of mine. sometimes i wonder where the body went that God gave me. but i am slowly learning that scars are beautiful and scales are brutal + i need to take a step back + be thankful that i can run [ not very well ] + dance [ give me a pool floatie + i'm the best dancer ever ] + do things like walk through orange groves with my brother on a random thursday in california.

this week shauna's book gave me new air. inspired me to write more. be bold. stop being ashamed + kick butt everyday.

this year i am choosing to live a full life. be the crazy mess i am. and remain completely unapologetic about it.

i refuse to live a life hoping to be accepted.

because again ... my identity is not found in your opinion of me.

i refuse to let it be.

so here i go ...

vulnerable. brave. willing. ready.

join me.

[for you are calling me to greater things.] - bethel music

BE BRAVE

shelby elyse

shelbulb takes anchorage:: month two + three.

you guys. when i moved here i said i would write more. boy has that been a struggle. i'm sorry i lied. i'm going to TRY to work on writing more.

anyways...

ohio is home. but alaska ... alaska is slowly becoming home.

glory glory hallelujah this month was grand. or these last two months. it's december now. sorry i'm a little late.

i have told multiple people this month [ man i gotta stop worrying - and i kinda feel like i should just stand still and watch God. ] because OH MY GOODNESS has my Jesus shown up big time.

BIG TIME PEOPLE!

do you have your coffee? go get some. and a cozy blanket. and your dog. if you don't have a dog i'm so sorry that your life isn't fulfilled. no. cats don't count.

okay. lets go. got your coffee? great.

so about a month ago i was having my quiet time. and simply asked God to help me find a house or apartment. i threw in there "if they love Jesus that'd be cool too."

so the following evening i hopped on craigslist. a little scared of it if i'm being honest ... because you know ... craigslist killers. you guys. i'm so serious! you know how monica potter gets murdered in patch adams by the crazy patient? that is my worst fear. besides clowns + costume people. anyways. i found this adorable little basement apartment in a person's house. with a lofted queen bed that looked incredibly magical. so i emailed them. went to see it the next day and HOLY SMOKES! just like He has every step of this adventure...

Jesus showed up.

when i got there + saw the landlord instantly i felt a sense of relief. she was a bright eyed redhead with a pixie cut + probably the most stylish person i've seen so far in anchorage. moments after i walked in i knew it was where i was supposed to live. it's almost as if it was designed for me. i instantly felt at home.

the first thing she said to me was "oh my gosh you are so cute!" so of course my self-centered side was like "haha awwww she's the kindest person in the whole world already!" LOL she also thought i was like 18 and not 25 so that was maybe part of it. when i said i was 25 her jaw dropped.

things just kept getting better from there. within 5 minutes we were talking about Jesus. she stated "i just knew you would be a Christian. i'm not surprised one bit!" we had both been praying for that! How cool is that!?

well ... after she showed me the apartment we ended up sitting on the bare floor for hours - talking about Jesus + church + life + shared our testimonies, and she invited me to her church for the next day. ironically - her husband is the pastor at that church. i mean. not ironically. obviously God would have me find a church through a craigslist ad for an apartment ... because nothing in my life is normal. ever. HA!

anyways. the next day i went + i instantly felt AT HOME. the church i HAD been going to was huge and overwhelming. i thought because my church in Ohio was so big that it made sense to find a huge church here - i was very wrong. in the 5 weeks i went to that huge church not one person noticed i was new. no one introduced themselves. i had to make every single effort. i was worshipping alone and i hated it. i sat alone. i went alone. i left alone. it was lonely. and let me tell you - if you are feeling lonely in a church - you shouldn't be at that church. your church should feel like home. i feel at home in my new church. i have already made friends. every week people approach me and introduce themselves because they know i am new. it is just a breath of fresh air to be there.

so my new pastor and his wife are also my landlords. and now my friends. they have kind of taken me under theirs wings - and i finally feel like i have found my footing here. the family i nanny for is awesome - and i feel so at home with them too - i just needed another safe place. i think everyone needs that.

i officially moved in but few things are decorated. i'm working on it. but when it's as cute as i dream it will be - i'll show you pictures! if i forget - remind me!

[ so now i will talk about all the things that have happened this month - or the things i've learned. ]

1. friends!!!! on the plane on the way here i wrote down that i wanted 3 friends by Christmas. and let me tell you - it is hard to make friends. i am SO thankful for all my friends back home and i'm realizing that the fact that most of them have been in my life for my whole life - is the ultimate blessing. because it's hard to just move somewhere and make friends. slowly but surely they are coming though. do i think i have 3 forever friends? not sure - is He giving me people for the now? absolutely!!!!

now these three all have to do with what you just read...
[ 2. apartment  3. church 4. more alaskan parents ]

5. adulting is hard. it just really is. LITERALLY this is my theme of my life the past few weeks. i told Joni - my new landlord/pastors wife/alaska mama that when you are a chronically sick kid people take care of you. not that i'm incapable. it's just what happens. and then you are 25 and you can't do real life alone because adulting is hard. she says it's okay and that everyone needs people. but i'm learning things like ... i'm too short to hang a shower curtain + internet companies are shady + it's possible to overstuff the washing machine. WHOOPS! anyways. sometimes things are hard. sometimes life is hard. and adulting is hard.

6. contentment is a gift - but you have to choose to accept it - this transition has been filled with so many emotions and they seem to vary by the day. i have told most everyone that i have experienced much loneliness - simply by just not having my tribe with me here. i have also experienced God's presence more than ever though, it seems to seep through the loneliness + cover it will love. some days have been awesome + i look outside and see the ocean + the mountains or my littles are giggling while we're playing a game and i feel like this is exactly where i should be. other days i find myself to be a disaster dressed in tears asking God why on earth He brought me here. it's a rollercoaster. i talk to my mom everyday. but when i talk to my dad i get a giant lump in my throat and end up crying after we hangup. some friends are easier to talk to than others. some haven't barely reached out - and thats hard. move across the country - you will find out who really loves you. i seem to be on a never ending carnival ride - i'll never know what i will feel the next day. i can't figure it out. but - God is still God + He is still good. i am confident that my purpose here will all unfold eventually. so i am learning to be content in the now - in the unknown future - and in what has already happened. it is not an easy feat. i told someone the other day that i think moving here has been harder than dealing with some of my health problems. and moving to alaska is not life or death. brain tumors are life or death. yes - it's been truly that hard. but i am learning. learning. learning. learning. and i'm not sinking. but i wouldn't say i'm swimming. i would say i'm floating in contentment.

also things happened like:: having my first thanksgiving without anyone i'm related to - and i survived. i had adventures with the littles + fights with the littles + days we weren't perfect but i'm so thankful for forgiveness. i started using a checkbook. i learned that alaska doesn't use salt on the roads and there are two kinds of drivers here:: turtles + superheroes. the superheroes end up in accidents. i am a turtle. slow + steady to get home safe. i experienced ice fog + it felt like i was in the movie FROZEN + was terrified at the same time.

and for all my ohio people:: if you say O-H here ... no one says I-O + then you feel stupid.

i'm hoping to get all of anchorage to love the CAVS this season though...

because it would only make sense for my home here to love my home team.

i'll write soon. gotta go start packing for christmas in california with my fam. CAN'T WAIT.

ohio - i'll be home in march. get ready! until then...

be brave

shelby elyse taylor