the sky is falling...said chicken little

disclaimer:: this is not a happy post. this is real life.

it's september now.

this month brings many feelings for me.

some days the dramatic green day lyrics resonate with me "wake me up when september ends."

and some days its the line in a taylor swift ballad that millions fell in love with "september saw a month of tears and thankin God that you weren't here...to see my like that."

but for some reason...this september...a favorite children's story is brought to mind...but not in the way you may think...not in the way like the boy who cried wolf...i just feel most days like...

the sky is falling.

chicken little said that.

i have mentioned a few times this summer that the past months have been hard for me. i don't wish to give details as to why. actually i do wish to. but some smart people and my gut tell me that sometimes its best to learn when to keep things to yourself. and for now these are things i will. i'll probably tell you one day. probably in my book.

all that to say...so far september is no different. it has just been hard. i have been having trouble sleeping again. which mom would attribute to me taking too many naps. but thats not it. i just feel uneasy. and i do not like it.

no one wants to feel this way.

this september. well. i just feel like i've been asking WHY a lot.

there are so many things i just don't understand.

WHY did our little friend Ian only get 7 birthdays? WHY did brain cancer choose him? and WHY did he have to go? the handsome boy with big blue eyes would be 15 at the end of the month. oh how i wish he could be turning 15 on this earth. i wish we could sit side by side and share rocknes fries and i could just hear his laugh again. i imagine his voice would be much deeper, and his laugh as well. or maybe his voice would be changing still and there would be glimpses of his child like laugh. but this wont happen. and it makes me sad. it shouldn't be this way. i am so thankful that he gets to be with Jesus in Heaven. i know there is no greater place. but some days. especially days in September. i just miss the little man.

WHY does precious Kate have brain cancer again? WHY can't her body fight off the cancer cells? WHY does this beautiful little one have to deal with such a burden? she is only 10. i can't wrap my mind around it you guys. i just don't understand. i have never met her personally but her story i have followed since her diagnosis in 2009. i feel like i know her. i think there is something that bonds every kid who has a brain tumor. your hearts all ache together and you all don't understand. even when you are 23 and your tumor is stable its still terrifying. please continue to pray for precious Kate. brain cancer has picked her as victim for the third time, treatments options are few and we are asking Jesus to go before the Father on Kate's behalf so that she may be healed. Please also pray that the teams at MD Anderson and St Jude will be able to come up with a treatment plan for Kate. Oh how i pray for her to be healed.

the past few days i've had a headache. not a migraine. just a headache. the kind that scares me. i try to explain it to people but i just can't. i'm sure it's just the weather. but it freaks me out. of course my mind automatically travels to the unknown. to the what ifs. and to the WHYS. i will never understand WHY cells start to morph and grow and decide to become what i call brain monsters. it will never make sense to me. oh how i long to have a perfect body. no more brain tumor. no more needle pokes. no more MRI's. and only one doctor. the Ultimate Physician. i can't wait for heaven. i will never have to worry. i will be healed, kate will be healed and Ian will already be there. i dream of walking hand in hand with the two of them and Jesus by our side.

i don't mean to sound so sad you guys. but this is reality. sometimes i just have bad days. sometimes i just sit and think "this really sucks!!" and sometimes i'm sick of sitting there with a smile saying "it's all good...God is in control." i do totally believe that. but sometimes the facade of "everything is going to be okay" becomes totally exhausting.

and today is one of those days.

brain tumors suck.

i'm worn out.

Blessed by a heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

i just wanna stay right here.

the first time i came here i was 11 months old. dad tells me i was extremely tiny and he carried me in a sling holding me tight to his chest as he walked up and down the carolina shore.

we came after a long year of trying to get me healthy. mom and dad needed a vacation and someone offered up a little beach house. little did they know that this island would be one of the most spectacular places in all the world. and that it would be "a tradition unlike any other." this place would be home.

anyone who knows me well has heard me speak of this place. perfectly named. this place is sunset beach. the last island in north carolina. it sits tucked between ocean isle and bird island. i have often tried to explain to people why i love it here. it brings peace. it brings joy. i have only the happiest of memories here. even when times were rough. as we would drive across the old swing bridge and take a deep breath of the salty air i instantly felt at home again. i believe this place is a little piece of heaven on earth. sent straight from the MAN himself. this place brings healing. it always has.

it is hard to explain to other people what i mean by this sometimes. i don't think my own family even completely understands how special sunset is to me. every perfect memory was captured in this place. it would be impossible to count them. it would be impossible to choose a favorite. it is hard to put it in words. but i wrote a little something that reminds me of my childhood.

[i'll be 23 in mid july

this place feels like it holds my life. 

i remember back when i was four. 

it was lightening bugs and boogie boards.

i remember days spent in the sand

collecting shells. holdin daddy's hand.

this place it knows me well. i just wanna stay right here in sunset's place

there were birthday parties and beach church

and mama in her bathing skirt

my brother surfin through the waves

and friends in chairs lined up for days

after fireworks and ice cream nights

we'd hunt for crabs with big flashlights

the older kids, well they ran free

but from the porch we watched,

us three, mama,daddy and me.

this place it knows me well. i just wanna stay right here in sunset's place

eleven years we'd been there now

the 5 of us in that beach house.

my sister got engaged one day

carolina shore, our favorite place.

a bridge that swung from high to low

and a little house tucked right below

might be the thing i'll miss the most

and the lightening storms the way they glowed.

there were tall sailboats and piermen with their fishin poles.

there was pancake mornings with uncles 

and trinket shops that barely stayed afloat.

this place it knows me well. i just wanna stay right here in sunset's place

this place it knows me well. i just wanna. well i just wanna stay right here in sunset's place.

i'll be 23 in mid july. 

this place feels like it holds my life.] 

and if you can't relate to that...perhaps pictures will do the trick.

so prepare to live through my childhood eyes for a moment.

happy to be at sunset 

buried RT

waiting to get over the bridge...holding up a tree

mom, grandma barb, little me

days spent in the waves with seth and andrew

how cute is this!?

just loungin around

when family and friends collide

i don't know what was happening...but our faces are cute!

mermaid shelby

cousins

a buried caleb

the best sissy 

this girl was my "friend of the day"

birthday present...i think the underwear makes the whole picture.

in my element

tradition:: bumper boats with dad

the cvca/church gang

love these people.

thea

beach beauties

matching shirts

my crush on scott lasted my whole childhood 

so beautiful

kell-kell

shy baby

chaditude 

beautiful sissy

sandcastles with mama 

good old grandpa herman. miss him so much.

jordyn and devon

cheesin

handstands with jonny v

the best 

"up on the roof" - james taylor

best brother ever. 

nail painting with daddy 

hamburger joe's ... a tradition unlike any other

the two of them.

he is the greatest 

the most handsome boy

caleb love him 

love her to death

car parties on the way to the creamery

crazy aunt julie

micah! 

little man is the cutest. 

beautiful kellie...my hero, sister, cousin and friend.

uncle richard...the favorite uncle...and best corn hole partner!

sissy 

sweet girl

cass

thank you Jesus for giving me an earthly father who shows me Your love. 

i hope you understand now. that sunset beach isn't just a place we go on vacation. sunset beach holds so much more. 

only 11 months. approximately 330 days  until i am back at my second home. but whose counting?! 

i love you guys

Blessed by a heavenly Daddy, 

Shelby Elyse