may is here now. the weather was chilly until two days ago. now it's been hott as can be. but i promised myself i wouldn't complain about the heat this summer because winter lasted longer than it ever should have. so i will wear sundresses and bask in the warmth. the past 2 days it hit 80. i'm thankful for sunshine. also. if you have a 5. 10. or 20 dollar bill you'd like to donate so i can get more sundresses i wouldn't be opposed.
i finished exams a few days ago. now the anxiety of waiting to see my grades has started in. i'm not a very patient person. i never have been. i worked my butt off this semester. i keep running through "worst case scenarios" in my head. but then i think theres no way my grades could ever be worse than they were in highschool so i think i'll be okay.
honesty is something that i really admire in people. if you lie to me, or someone i love, it takes a long long time for me to trust you again. so people. i want to be honest with you.
it has been an interesting few months. people tell me i'm in a weird stage of life. i agree. i'm not sure if i like this stage. actually i'm sure i don't like it. i'm learning a lot though. the past few weeks, and months have been really hard for me. i can't put my finger on it. i've just not felt myself. i won't go into detail but it is not fun. i think it's just the season of life i'm in. i literally sleep with my bible in my bed because i know i need to read it when i wake up and before i go to bed just to get me through. in april and most of march i stuck to journaling instead of blogging. then one april day i literally wrote a whole blog explaining everything in detail and then realized if i posted it you all would think i was absolutely nuts. so it got deleted as soon as i typed the last word. i think it was just therapeutic for me to write it down. it's not the first time i've deleted a blog post. i catch myself writing things to everyone often and then realizing i don't want everyone to know. i think that's one of the hard things about suffering and going through health journeys publically. while i am so thankful to have people who love and pray for me. sometimes its hard to know what to tell everyone and what not to tell anyone. but i'm learning.
also. if anyone was wondering. the bible verse about "do not be anxious about anything" IS FREAKING HARD TO LISTEN TO WHEN YOU ARE ANXIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING.
soo...back to may. currently it's may 10th and it's nearing 3am. i'm not even tired. last night i slept for 9 hours. it was the longest nights sleep i had in a few weeks. my "no nap rule" isn't working these days too well. but that's besides the point.
mama left for colorado thursday to spend time with uncle brad, aunt tracy, aunt kelly, grandma barb and grandpa joe. i was royally bummed out. i didn't want her to go. but i didn't tell her that. i just stayed in my room when she left. this season i'm in has me not wanting people i love far from me. it makes me anxious. i don't know why. i'm glad she gets to see them though. she called today and said she just had realized i could have gone becuase i'm done with school. i'm like "seriously though!" don't worry mom i'm over it. have fun! love you!
don't worry...it's about to get good. i'm really sorry if this has been a sad blog post. but hey this is real life people. i'm not gunna tell you i'm awesome if i'm not awesome. well. i mean i might have done that today a few times. but what am i gunna do tell the bag lady at giant eagle that i'm having a bad day? [who by the way has literally watched me grow up and she is so hilarious and today she said "oh sweetie your dress is so cute and you are such a beautiful young lady and i just remember when you were in overalls." hahahah i about died. THIS IS REAL LIFE ALSO PEOPLE! the bag lady at giant eagle remembers me at 5.]
so today i called dad and asked if he would go to dinner with me after i got done helping my lil sis eva get ready for prom and take pics. so i came home and we ventured out to kent. we knew it would take us forever to get parking. we decided it was worth it and we would go to ray's place. on the drive there we talked of days spent in kent. my old house. what my nursery looked like. he reminded me that it was his office and then i came along and kicked him out. he told me a wall was all books. i wasn't suprised. i have only seen pictures. i was 4 when we moved to stow so my memories don't exist in real life.
we finally found parking, and as we walked in daddy spoke of a day he remembered well. i was a freshman in college and had decided to go to dinner with my friend erin. i texted him to ask him where ray's place was and he said that in his mind he thought "oh no...she's going to ray's...she's growing up." i laughed and we walked in the doors. i remember that day too.
as we were seated in the booth we decided to turn off social media. unless mom texted of course. i flipped my phone over and our waitress showed up. dad still holding his doesn't say anything to her. i look at him and i'm like "dad seriously...put the phone down" at first he gave a mini speech about my generation and phones and how i was on mine in the car. to which i quickly defended with "i was instagramming" he just looked at me. within seconds he introduced us by name to her, asked her name and said sorry. her name was jessica.
we spent the next 2 hours laughing. and talking about life. he was pulling one liners out of no where like a magician pulls rabbits out of a hat. we talked about things that were bothing me, and things we wish were different but aren't. it was just really nice. he brings out a laugh in me that few other people do. it's like a giggle. but it's loud. well. i'm always loud. so maybe it's just my giggle.
i'll be the first to admit that sometimes i really take my dad for granted. i get angry with him and slam doors and scream like i'm some actress. but really it's like straight out of a taylor swift music video some days. and i'll also be the first to admit that i am not the easiest kid ever. i've caused that man a ton of stress and he still loves me. just like Jesus. i also think that when you are hurting, you hurt people. and sadly, sometimes dad gets the "SHUTUP!" or the back door slammed when i walk in the house before him so he has to open it again. yes i do that. HEY I NEVER SAID I WAS PERFECT PEOPLE. i've been telling you for years that i'm sassy. and i'm passionate. i cry and scream and if i love you i really love you and if i don't like you i really don't like you and that is just how i am.
but daddy kinda is the same way. he is just passionate. he cries when he prays. i swear his picture is next to all the best words in the dictionary. i love him. he loves to find the good in everything. he is total optimist. literally just last week i was in the living room with mom and we made some joke about my brain tumor (this is normal) and he yells from the kitchen "you don't have a tumor anymore!!!" and i said "dad yes i do!" and he said "well it's so small now so not really" some may call this denial. some dreaming. i just call it typical dad.
but anyways. just sitting with him for 2 hours today made me feel better. yes i'm still going to need to deal with things that have been bothering me. but just for a while dad made it better. he's good at that. sometimes i just need to step back and let him be my dad for a minute. be reminded of how blessed i am to have him.
as our time was ending the waitress came with our bill and said "do you want dessert" we looked at eachother. he smiled and i said "what do you have?" WE NEVER GET DESSERT AT RESTAURANTS. partically because i am allergic to it. secondly because i'm full after 4 buffalo wings even though i ordered 12. but tonight. we got dessert.
we settled on 1 piece of lemon cheesecake. with 2 forks of course.
and we drove home under a setting sun and talking about our life 18 years ago in kent.
i love you daddy.
Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy
(WHO KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE GAVE ME RT)
Shelby Elyse Taylor
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