years ago i loved a quote that said [ i'm so young ... i just want to drift. ] but i'm beginning to think that maybe that isn't what i want at all. i guess it depends. on one hand ... drifting sounds blissful and something my free spirit longs for. but on the other drifting sounds lazy and like my life could end up super boring. so i don't think i want to drift. i think i want to sail.
ever since i can remember there has been something about water that has always brought healing to my soul. simply seeing big oceans that make me feel small brings me peace. after each big stressful event for my entire life we made our way to sunset beach - my favorite place on earth. [ if you want to read about it - click here -> sunset beach ] sunset beach has always brought healing. it feels like home. the ocean feels like home. i feel my best in the sunshine. it is good for my soul. and my health. and my hair. these curls love that saltwater life.
so it makes sense...that when the Lord wanted me to be brave + move. He spoke through my sister with the analogy of putting my sails up + letting God be my wind. [ if you want to read about it - click here -> the wind ]
one of my favorite musicians is named ben rector. he has a song about a sailboat. and the more i hear it - the more i get it. he writes...
[ i feel just like a sailboat. don't know where i'm headed. but you can't make the wind blow. from a sailboat. i have seen the sun. felt the rain on my skin. i've been lost and found. mostly i've been waiting. oh i'm out in the waves and i'm hoping and praying. please let this wind blow me home. and night after night theres an empty horizon. my God do i feel so alone. sometimes life. and most times i feel just like a sailboat. i'm pretty sure i'm heard. at least i know i'm speaking. but i feel like a fool yeah. cause i can't hear you listening. but i'm not giving up. i'm gunna move on forward. i'm gunna raise my sails. God knows what i'm headed towards. oh i'm out in the waves and i'm hoping and praying. please let this wind blow me home. night after night theres an empty horizon. my God do i feel so alone. sometimes life. and most times i feel just like a sailboat. only change i see. lost or found at sea. only difference. is believing i'll make it in. oh i'm out in the waves and i'm hoping and praying please let this wind blow me home. night after night theres an empty horizon. my God do i feel so alone. sometimes life. and most times i feel just like a sailboat. ]
ben - if you ever read this - i think you are pretty neat.
okay. holy smokes you guys. i feel like a freaking sailboat lately. please let this wind blow me home my heart cries often. but at the same time i am confident that God knows what i'm headed towards. i think the line in the song that is speaking to my soul the most lately is "i've been lost and found. mostly i've been waiting."
lost:: when i arrived here i felt incredibly lost. now don't get me wrong. the family i nanny for is great + they have been extremely generous + helpful. but it was so weird to be in this new place. knowing no one. coming from a place where i was sure to run into someone i knew basically anywhere i went. i hated having to use the gps to get everywhere. the unfamiliarity of everything was enough to bring me to tears some days. it was definitely not smooth sailing right away.
i remember my second week here i got a terrible migraine. it was a friday. probably my worst migraine of 2016. i left work that september day and crawled into bed. i called my beautiful mama + just sobbed on the phone to her. no one was here to help me. i felt so alone. i felt so lost. she prayed hard for me that night on the phone + i cried myself to sleep. that was a rough day. in case you didn't realize. i felt so lost that day. thankfully things got better.
found:: i finally feel found. there were so many days the past 7 months where i was like "i'm right here God - do you see me? are you listening? could you send me some people?!" hear me on this:: i wasn't doubting His presence or His plan. i was just lonely. some days i still am. but i feel found. Jesus has found me right where i am. He has been faithful even when i have been doubtful. i have found people here. oh my heart bursts with thankfulness for the people i have found here. i desperately needed people here. my church + my friends here make me feel found. i longed for that. it took awhile but my prayers were answered. i feel like i have found my footing + my soul has found rest. i have found pieces of myself here that i don't think i would have found had i stayed in ohio.
[ also: i have found that not everyone here loves LeBron James ... my goal is to change minds on that one. ugh i can't even think about it too much or i get mad. whatever. LEBRON FOR LIFE YO. ]
anyways. i felt lost. but i finally feel found.
waiting:: as john mayer smoothly sings... [ waiting ... waiting ... waiting on the world to change. ] but i'm not waiting on that. i'm waiting on the Lord. Psalm 27:14 reminds us " wait for the Lord - be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." this has been a verse that i have clung to since i moved here. despite my extremely free spirit ... i don't like to wait.
i'm a "mom we have to get this appliance i saw on the infomercials today because it can cook anything in 3 minutes or less" kinda girl. i'm dead serious. i missed a lot of school growing up - because i was always sick. and if i wasn't sleeping i was watching infomercials or the food network. i also watched the disney cruise line 2 hour special basically on loop for years. and so obviously when i got my make a wish we went on a disney cruise. and yes. i'm the cliche kid who chose a disney vacation for her wish. but you know what. it was THE BOMB. and you should totally go on a disney cruise. and also... it seems fitting to talk about my cruise. because ... it was a sailboat.
[ i'm full of the jokes. ]
lately i've been doing a whole lot of waiting. waiting for the Lord to show me the big reason i'm here. waiting. waiting. waiting. but i trust that He will reveal it soon enough. it's an interesting spot to be in. having no idea what is in store. having no direction of where to go next. but somehow ... somehow i am finding peace in the waiting. the waiting for whatever is to come.
and yes grandma - i hope it's my husband too. HAHAHA. kidding. kinda. not really. okay lets me real real for a minute - if any of you know a jesus loving dream boat that can deal with my drama + spunk + inability to place commas HIT ME UP! hahah. no shame. no shame at all.
as i reflected back on the idea of feeling like a sailboat. and remembering how the Lord spoke to me to get here. if you haven't read that blog post - scroll up + click on the link + go read it. God is just so cool.
i was reminded of another song that my sista-friend rachel sent me months ago...
it was released by hillsong in 2015. it's called captain.
[ through waters uncharted my soul with embark. i'll follow Your voice straight into the dark. and if from the course you intend i depart. speak through the sails of my wandering heart. like the wind You'll guide. clear the skies before me. and i'll glide this open sea. like the starts Your words will align my voyage. and remind me where i've been. and where i am going. lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog. your truth is the compass that points me back north. Jesus my Captain my souls trusted Lord. all my allegiance is rightfully Yours. like the wind You'll guide. clear the skies before me. and i'll glide these open seas. like the stars Your word will align my voyage. and remind me where i've been. and where i am going. like the wind You'll guide. clear the skies before me. and i'll glide this open sea. like the stars Your words will align my voyage. and remind me where i've been. and where i am going. Jesus my Captain my souls trusted Lord. all my allegiance is rightfully Yours. ]
when i first heard it - i was getting ready to leave. and yet again - the Lord was speaking to me through this idea of sailing + letting Him be in charge. this week this song has been on repeat. i've listened in the car. in the shower. before bed. while i'm doing dishes. and i just keep praying over and over again. [ okay Jesus - keep me close - help me not to miss anything you have for me here - guide me - and don't let go of this heart of mine that is just feeling like a sailboat. ]
[ JESUS MY CAPTAIN MY SOULS TRUSTED LORD...ALL MY ALLEGIANCE IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS.]
oh my heart. that line. it fills me to the brim. it brings truth and comfort and promises from both Him and i. i don't think you could ask for a better picture of how He loves.
so lately i feel like a sailboat. but i am trusting that my Captain will guide my voyage.
and theres something about drifting that makes my soul sing. but something about sailing feels right. either way. my Captain's in charge. and that alone brings abundant joy.
do you ever feel like a sailboat? talk to the Captain. He will guide you. i promise.
I've experienced the same things you spoke of. I was born in Colorado Springs, but my parents picked up the family and moved to Hong Kong, China. So, I grew up in a completely different culture and learned to speak Cantonese fluently and adopted a completely new culture.ReplyDelete
God spoke to me and told me I was moving away from HK after basically becoming a Chinese. So I followed God and moved to Durango, CO where I had never been and didn't know anyone. I cried and cried everyday. And yes, like you I do have lonely days, but I am found. Within a week of moving, I had a house, a church, and the perfect job (well, i work at a juvenile detention facility for violent offenders). But someone needs to bring the love of Father into the darkest places.
I absolutely love your sharing. Don't stop writing.