[ i sing because i'm happy, i sing because i'm free ... for His eye is on the sparrow and i know He watches me. ]
i catch myself singing this song sometimes when i am anxious. as if i am absentmindedly telling myself everything is going to be okay. that the Lord sees me - that He has not forgotten about me. the truth is - sometimes i feel like He doesn't see me. sometimes i feel like He may have forgotten. i hate to even say it - because i know it isn't true - but it's how i feel. sometimes.
at the beginning of november i went to a writers retreat. 30 beautiful and unique women were there. i had a room full of mama's. Jesus was present. hearts were healed. stories were told. memories poured out of us like a fresh cup of hot coffee. some beautiful - some painful + some so raw it was hard to even write.
that weekend more dreams and hope for my future began to flourish. i felt God telling me that the path i am on is the right one - but He asked me to promise to let Him lead. He brought women into my life who spoke beautiful words over me - even further nailing in the truths He wanted me to hear. i walked through the doors of that weekend wondering if i was doing the right thing. "am i really supposed to write it all down God?" "are You sure i am cut out for all this?" and so softly and tenderly just as He always has - He answered - in big ways. HE SAW ME.
i called home to mom and dad one afternoon - while sipping a chick-fil-a iced coffee + began to tell them about it. but soon realized that some of the words i had written i couldn't even read to them.
and then it hit me like a ton of bricks - everything i write is not for everyones eyes. it was shocking to realize ... and at the same time i shouldn't have been one bit surprised.
i have always been loud with my story. screamed it from the rooftops. we have begged the nations for prayer from the minute i was born. and yet - as i sat there with my coffee i realized - i can keep some things to myself. you may be thinking [ it took you this long? ] but friends :: when your story has always been public - you just let it be.
i have been quiet here on the blog. a 6 month hiatus. because what i have been writing - is either waiting to be read at a later date - or tucked away never to be read because it is too sacred.
i feel like i need to tell you :: that i'm sorry for being a broken record here the last few years. the highs and lows of writing and stopping. and constantly telling you i'm writing my book but abandoning ship here at the blog... to be honest this book has been harder to write than i ever imagined. i have changed courses a few times. and the entire thing has been like one big therapy session without a therapist. some days i sit in starbucks and erase full paragraphs because they don't make sense. other days i just can't write because the memories are too hard to reflect on.
the other day i was sitting at my sister's kichen table and we were talking about my future. how i feel called to write and travel and speak - but i just don't know what it will look like. she got up to grab some water and said "shelbs i'm sure this book has been really hard to write - healing but still really hard to remember everything because none of what you went through was normal." she gets me.
so i'm sorry ... for abandoning + floundering + choosing not to share - even when so much life is being lived. sometimes it's just too hard.
there are times where i just need to be silent and reflect. and the past 6 months i just needed that.
i am not one for resolutions ... mostly because i don't like to disappoint myself. but this year i am going to try to write more. be present here. decide not to abandon ship. and welcome you in. even when it's hard.
the past few days i have felt extremely anxious. probably because i've been sick + so i get all weepy and feel cruddy + basically turn into a toddler. so between podcasts and naps - i've been praying and writing and asking God what i should do next...
i talk to God when i drive. i tell Him about my day. ask Him questions. cry. yell. beg. wonder. all of it. He can handle it. sometimes mid conversation someone will cut me off or i will have to slam on my breaks for a red light + i yell a bad word. and then i have to apologize to God because i cussed mid prayer. i imagine he just shakes his head like my dad does here on earth and thinks something like ... " i raised you better shelby elyse ... but i forgive you." i always imagine God calls me by my first and middle name.
anyways ... today i had to run to the store because i ran out of elderberry syrup for my immune system #granolagirl ... and so i was talking to God and telling Him that i'm all done being sick... and i was like [seriously Man!? i was just home with mom for 2 weeks and you let me get sick when i'm back here in the land of ice and snow all alone?]
and then it hit me ... HE SEES ME.
so despite not feeling good. despite wanting to shut everyone out. despite days when it is too hard to write. despite not knowing exactly what is next...
[ i sing because i'm happy. i sing because i'm free. for His eye is on the sparrow...
and i know He watches me. ]
He sees you too fam...
He sees you too.