mcdreamy

"it's a great day to save lives."

dr. derek christopher shepherd often said this.

he is a fictional neurosurgen. or maybe i should say was. he was a fictional neurosurgen.

but on thursday night - my favorite fictional neurosurgen died.

of a brain bleed. ironic to say the least.

i am still not over it. i will never get over it.

right now shonda rhimes is my least favorite person in the whole history of the world.

i am devastated. yes. devastated. yes. that is dramatic. but guess what. i don't care.

this weekend i have continually found myself getting teary eyed about it.

friday i was on the phone with mama + between my sobs she said "shel we have to remember he isn't real. derek is not real."

and all i could keep saying is "i'm so sad for meredith! what is she going to do!?" "oh my heart hurts i am so so sad for her." "they should have killed christina yang. yang got to leave in peace. why is derek dead!?"

you see people - derek shepherd was magic.

he was a freaking dream boat.

he was just so ... mcdreamy.

i had one amazing neurosurgen. don't get me wrong. but i would have given anything for someone with a face like derek shepherd's to operate on me. hahaha.

i think that was part of my love for him - it wasn't just the fact that he saved lives. it was how he saved them. he saved lives the same way mine was saved.

brain surgery.

if i am being honest - most of the time if derek was operating - i was under a blanket telling mama to tell me when it was over.

it's been 10 years since my surgery - but still i am unable to deal. understandably so.

when denny duquette died in izzy stephens arms i wept for a few days.

when george o malley died i was in complete shock. and it took a few days for the tears to come. he had been john doe for so long. i couldn't believe it. 007 himself was dead.

when lexi grey and mark sloan died i vowed to never watch again. - obviously that didn't work out too well - my vow i mean.

when henry burton died i decided the universe was out to get me. because i was sure that shonda rhimes knew i had a crush on him. and every crush from grey's i ever had so far was dead.

somehow i moved on from all the devastation.

but this. this just isn't okay. it never will be.

derek shepherd should not be dead.

it should have been a great day to save lives.

a great day to save his life.

they should have saved him.

I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER DEREK.

blossoming.

so ummm...theres something you should know.

sometimes i write blog posts that could be mini novels...or huge novels.

that accidentally happened when i wrote this. so. you might wanna grab some coffee or tea. a blanket + a bag of popcorn + make sure you are in a really cozy spot.

i should also tell you that i set out to make a point. and it might have gotten lost in all my thoughts. i'm not exactly sure. you'll have to decide.

also...for new readers: i apologize that i have no grammatical skills. actually i do have skillzz they are just my own style. i missed a chunk of 7th grade and just never recovered. you will have to get over it.

you ready!? okay read on beautiful ones. read on.

[Though the cherry trees don’t blossom and the strawberries don’t ripen, Though the apples are worm-eaten and the wheat fields stunted, Though the sheep pens are sheepless and the cattle barns empty, I’m singing joyful praise to God.  I’m turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God. Counting on God's Rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength.]
 - Habakkuk 3:17-19 

it is april now.

april brings new life. the trees bud and flowers blossom. the birds begin to sing again + the sun is often shining. it is the time of year when rain seems to fall easy + mornings are filled with mist.

new life. i've been thinking about it lately. everything that it can mean. i think it means different things to different people. for me new life always means something is blossoming.  3 things come to mind.

not THE THREE THINGS just 3 things.

{ well now i need to explain myself on that one. HERE WE GO PEOPLE - bunny trail - if you have stuck around the taylor house long enough you know we do this thing called - the three things. sometimes we just say "three" and we know exactly what it means. when we were little mom and dad would tuck us into bed pray and then they would say the three things. they are:: 1. i love you very much 2. i think you are special 3. i am very proud of you. it is just our thing. the taylor thing. the three things. }

okay moving on.

3 is my favorite number. most of you know that. you also know i love lists. and you know that even when i don't plan it my blogs always have some kind of method tangled into the madness. yes madness. hey as the chesire cat from alice in wonderland said "we're all mad here"  thats how my brain works. we've been over this people. not my fault.

also - my pastor joe coffey uses 3 things a lot too during his sermons. i love it. because its easy to follow. and usually just as my ADD starts to kick in he's on to the next point and i'm reeled back in. again. a list of 3 not THE THREE THINGS. also - joe coffey if you are reading this: never change! 3 is a magical number.

following? yes. no? okay great either way! moving on.

so when i think new life i think

1. babies

2. walking with the Lord

3. forgiveness + healing

...these are a few of my favorite things. cue music.

[ bunny trail - the other day i was thinking about julie andrews and how i will be so upset when she leaves this earth. i have visions of myself lying in bed watching every movie she's ever been in while eating my body weight in assorted chocolates - throwing away the ones with weird fillings of course - and weeping. you might be asking yourself right now "why does she tell us these things?" because i'm crazy. and so are you. we are all crazy. i am probably a little more crazy. but you know what!? i bet my rant about julie andrews just made you feel better about your level of crazy. right!? SAY RIGHT!!!! also - if anyone would like to buy me some of those assorted chocolates i wouldn't mind ]

okay so babies.

babies babies babies.

i love them. a whole lot. i've never met a baby i didn't like. i have always loved them. i was the kid who always wanted to hold the new baby and visit the new baby. i never wanted mama to have a baby though because i loved being the baby. yes. i'll admit to that. i LOVE being the baby of the family.

for christmas this year i asked that all of our home movies be placed onto dvd's. it kind of backfired because while watching them it became very clear that i was the MOST obnoxious, loud, crazy curly haired little girl that ever lived. i was cute though so that helped!

as i sat and watched for hours...there was one christmas in particular that caught my attention. i got a new baby doll + apparently it came with diapers. i was so excited that for a good 10 minutes my 4 year old self yelled and i mean yelled [mommy mommy look my new baby has a diaper! daddy look i can change the diaper! sissy! the baby has a diaper!!! sethy look look at the diaper on the baby! mommy mommy mommy MY BABY HAS A DIAPER!!!] i kid you not. this happened. and no one was paying attention cause no one cared and because i never shut up.

also:: i couldn't say my r's yet so...that added an entire new element. i think i felt that day how most kids feel the first time they go to disney world. all because of my new baby.

as you see my obsession ran deep. it still does.

you guys. i just think new life in the form of babies is beautiful.

when i was little mama and daddy constantly told me i was a miracle baby. probably too much. if that is even possible.

in the more recent years i have come to know that every baby is a miracle baby. just in different ways. because it is new life. and new life is beautiful and truly miraculous. this truth has played out so beautifully in our own family. especially over the past 5 or so years. my sister had two beautiful littles + i watched in wonder as cousins that we fervently prayed for became pregnant against all odds + babies were born + babies are healthy + more babies are coming soon!

#GLORYGLORYHALLELUJAH the taylor/cowger family continues to grow.

and blossom. because have you caught on? there is a THEME here!

[ don't worry - not from me!!! the other day i was in the kitchen with mama + daddy and i said "i have something to tell you! guess what!" and my dad said "you are pregnant!?" hahahahaha oh my goodness. that guy. NO CHANCE. ]

also - dad isn't gunna like that i wrote that. but you know what. oh well.

but babies are wonderful + babies are miracles + babies are new life.

okay so walking with the Lord

walking walking walking

i love my Jesus. so much. and the greatest thing about finding Him is that when you do you are given NEW LIFE! you blossom. you are made a new creation! YOU GUYS! how amazing is that!? we bloom when we find the Lord. just like the most beautiful of flowers bloom in the springtime. i don't think i will ever get tired of how amazing it is. or how amazing the Lord is. i mean how incredibly wonderful is it that we accept Jesus into our heart + we are made new!?

perhaps i shall tell you a story now:

a few weeks ago my friend and i were at dinner and we were talking about how when you go through hard times it is so easy to run from God or just start making our own path. i told her the hardest part for me is to realize he didn't ever let go of my hand. you see people. i feel like Jesus is always with me. i know i know i know what you are thinking. "duh shel he is in your heart" but really. i feel like he's holding my hand all the time. and when trouble comes my instant human response is "why'd you let go Bro?" [ someone is going to find it offensive that i just called Jesus bro - dear someone - keep reading i'm sorry. ] but really. i'm like "where'd ya go Jesus! come back!" BUT YOU GUYS! GUESS WHAT! he didn't let go.

honestly - usually it's me. i'm the one who lets go. it's like i'm a boat person sailor captain fisherman-woman pirate assistant all of a sudden [ i'm sorry you guys i couldn't pick just one nautical job word so i picked them all. ] and i'm like  "oh crap it's windy - a storm must be coming" and i lose all trust in my Boss and try to steer the ship myself. well let me tell you. IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

because - having a relationship with the Father does not mean walking in front of Him or behind Him. it means walking with Him - but letting Him steer the ship.

the beautiful thing is i have found within the trials i have had to endure that sometimes we blossom in the storm. it is in the moments when we think He has let go - or we have let go + we are quietly reminded we are still right there in the palm of His hand. in the eye of the storm He is still with us. and we often grow because of the hard times. sometimes in the greatest ways.

also - if you are reading this and don't know Jesus - email me. lets talk.

Jesus is wonderful + Jesus performs miracles + Jesus is NEW LIFE.

okay so forgiveness + healing

forgiving forgiving forgiving + healing healing healing

i love forgiveness + i love healing.

forgiveness. it is hard. it is something that i struggle to wrap my mind around. for instance:: when i ask the Lord for forgiveness - He forgives. and He is over it. i imagine it's like when Cinderella twirled around and all of a sudden she's in a totally different outfit. it's like i ask for forgiveness do a spin or two and all of a sudden i'm forgiven. made new. and i am given another change to grow. often times i find that learning the hard way + having to go before the Lord only strengthens you. helps you blossom into the exact person He has created and called you to be. but that kind of forgiveness - eternal forgiveness - is so much different than earthly forgiveness.

when we forgive someone down here it's more like when Cinderella left the ball. The clock strikes 12 + we mess up and leave the glass slipper behind. Yes - we may have been forgiven by someone - but there is always that one glass slipper - that gentle reminder that something happened - and it is so very hard to forget. in fact - i find it almost impossible. a trait i don't like about myself. but hey thats because i'm emotional and take everything personally.

the great news is - we can grow through these earthly experiences too. one of my greatest friendships blossomed from a simple note of "i'm sorry - i thought i knew who you were but i don't." and we forgave each other and almost 6 years later we are two peas in a pod. two opposite peas. but still in a pod.

healing. one of my favorite verses in the bible is "daughter - your faith has healed you - you may go in peace." it is in matthew + mark + luke. not john though. i wonder why.
if i ever get a tattoo. that'll be it. this will be the time in this post were i tell my dad not to panic. - it's all good RT.

i think it is just a beautiful picture - because i think we blossom when we are healed. we grow. even if it is just a little bit. and i think when people witness healing they grow too. their relationships with the Lord blossom as well.

as most of you know this earthly body of mine is a mess and a half. i have longed to be completely healed. don't get me wrong. i am so so thankful for the healing God has performed on me already. hear that. but i dream of the day i could run miles and miles or be super coordinated or not be worried about my heart or brain or getting sick ever again. in fact - i day dream about it too much - to the point where i forget what my limits are and end up here writing this in bed with a lost voice + an exhausted body.

but i am so confident that the Lord heals. in miraculous ways. maybe too confident.

the other day i was talking with my friend about healing. she said that she believed people could be healed but didn't think it could happen to her. i said i had the opposite problem. because i have been healed i expect it everytime. i am still not over the fact that ian never got his miracle. i will never be okay with it. i understand that he is in a much better place and i long for the day i see him again in Glory but i don't think that he should have died. i still lay in bed every night asking the Lord to heal Kate. and i still don't know why it hasn't been done. i know He is listening. and i know He is capable. the magnificent thing is - that even in these moments - i grow.

this weekend i was a part of something spectacular. it was called dance marathon. i will probably write about it or post pictures another day - but i wanted to just give you a glimpse as i often say.

a few hours into the event a beautiful mother one of the miracles kids took the stage. and the woman began to tell about our wonderful Lord and how He healed her daughter. the lady got up on stage and straight up preached. she said that the same God who raised Lazarus from the dead healed her daughter and she wanted everyone to know how truly amazing He is. she left me weeping. afterwards i went up and gave her a hug. i told her that i was just so truly thankful she knows the Lord + has had Him to lean on during this trial. i told her that i was so thankful for the healing He has performed on her daughter up to this point and that i was truly confident He would completely restore her.

the lady grabbed both my hands in hers-looked me straight in the eye and said "He performed a miracle on you too didn't He?" SHE KNEW! i think it was one of the most beautiful moments i have experienced. she hugged me again and said "this is what we call a God moment sweet one"

and in that moment - in that spectacular moment - i grew - my faith blossomed.

i didn't need to say one word about myself - or what the Lord has done in my life - she just knew - because of the Spirit. it was beautiful.

forgiveness is wonderful + healing is miraculous + forgiveness + healing are new life.

and through all of these things we grow closer to the Father.

we might even...

BLOSSOM. 

Blessed by a Heavenly Daddy,

Shelby Elyse

in the moments i forget...

march always brings memories.

if you have been around long enough you know exactly what i speak of.

if you haven't ... i'll say this ... march 9th i celebrated 10 more years of life! something that was never promised but something that we are so so thankful for!

anyways...people listen::

nothing about me is ordinary...which i'm okay with. i rather be extraordinary.

something most people pick up on quickly is that...

i have always remembered the little things. birthdays. middle names. specific days when i met people. and other fantastical moments. it is just another one of those things that makes me quirky. but i think its important. to remember.

i believe...

birthdays are beautiful - probably because with each one i have had we have rejoiced. my birthday has always been extra special. when i was little the house at the beach would fill with the ones we loved + we would celebrate. it became such a big deal that i was convinced we went to sunset beach just for my birthday. as i grew older it became more apparent that it was truly a blessing that i got another day. because there could have been so many times those years were stolen from us. so i like to remember other peoples birthdays - because it is a blessing they get another year too. and everyone should feel special.

+ middle names are a magical -  while most parents used full names as a sign of punishment - mine used them as a sign of love. shelby elyse is a term of endearment in my house. so much that sometimes daddy just calls me elyse. mama calls me shelb-a-lee. some of my uncles call me the leester. you get the picture. one of my favorite writers jen hatmaker would say "middle names...they are a whole thing."

all the other little memories - i don't know why i remember them. i just do. its just the way HE wanted me to be i suppose. i seem to remember the things other people don't see as a big deal. i guess i just want people to feel loved.

the downfall of this is - i don't remember the things that i should.

things everyone else would coin as important. things like:: how to do math and how to write a proper sentence. things like what i learned last week in class or the explanations of theories i've learned for 4 years straight in child development. as you all know very well i have no idea where a comma goes. [one of my professors last semester told me she loved to read my papers cause she could hear me talking but she wanted to know why i never used commas. she said "shelby...you just put it where you would pause in a sentence." i said "mrs. a have you ever heard me pause in a sentence?"] i can't do math - everyone says its not my fault. dyscalculia they tell me. basically dyslexia with numbers. the list goes on.

school is just a struggle my friends...always was + always will be.

i also don't remember things like - emptying the dishwasher - or moving my laundry to the dryer - or the cookies in the oven. - SORRY MAMA.

you know how men have selective hearing? i feel like i have selective memorization. only unlike men-it's not all my fault. i feel like my brain just decides "ehh that doesn't seem too important today" and so it just slips away. and mostly never returns.

and yet - there is an inbetween - an inbetween of moments and memories that seem to fade in and out. some are tucked away for later + begging to get out. some i wish i didn't have to think about + yet they creep into my mind. they won't let me forget.

but there are moments that are the best + worst thing all at once.

the moments i forget.

a few weeks ago my friend stephen asked me "what is a good day for you?" i told him "the days when i don't remember there is a tumor in my brain until i lay down at night...those are the good days."

that night i layed in bed and thought about that question. and my answer. and i stand by it.

because...the moments i forget that there is a monster in my head that could turn on me at any moment...those are the greatest moments. and yet - they are also the worst - because then when i remember it hits me like a ton of bricks. you'd think i'd be used to it by now. but i'm not. i never will be. because it isn't normal.

there are moments when i forget that people i love are in heaven. you know. the moment when you are wondering if they'll walk through the door + then you remember and it takes your breath away. you know. it's awful.

and then the worst of all ... are the moments when i forget Who is in control. the moments that i think somehow this story is mine. those are the worst.

last saturday i got a migraine...probably my worst one in the past year. but as it had barely begun in the stillness i layed in bed and begged my body to calm down + prayed to be able to go to sleep so i could begin to heal. and then i said to God "when? when will the suffering end? when will you say enough?" and i got angry and i hate when i get angry. but i began to get angry and i said "i know my story is changing people-but does it have to be this way? today-this is too much papa"  tears filled my eyes + then within seconds my FATHER quietly reminded me of something He said "this is My story - I am doing something spectacular...be still" And as His voice left i fell asleep. 

i woke up the next day-15 hours later

welll...kinda. around midnight (6 hours into the migraine) I ate some gluten free pizza and texted some people - apologies to all of you. i am crazy haha. - and then i went back to sleep. 

 [ as jen hatmaker would say:: Migraines:: They are a whole thing! -- and i would say -- especially when they are because of a brain tumor. ] 

anyways. i woke up + began to thank Him. because it is His story. + how quickly i forgot. and i felt bad for a moment and then laughed to myself + told Him. "sorry i'm such a mess...today i'll try again." I imagine He laughed too. 

so i am thankful. thankful HE is in control. 

and thankful

HE still loves me.

even in the moments i so easily forget. 


Blessed by a heavenly Daddy

Shelby Elyse