he loves me like i love summer.

i love summer.

summer is my sweet spot. the sunshine makes everything in my being feel good. i feel more alive in summer. summer always brought the best memories. mama had her summers off from teaching. which was such a blessing. we had pool days and lazy days. my friends and i ran wild through cul de sacs and ice cream was a staple food. vbs was my very favorite week to look forward to + i loved visiting my family + swimming with the cousins. we caught lightning bugs at dusk + left all the windows open all night.

we spent every july at sunset beach in north carolina. my entire life we basked in the sun at my favorite place in the world. everything about being there brought healing and it felt like home. the car rides to and from were filled with james taylor + michael w smith music + holding our breath in the tunnels through the mountains. sunset beach - get ready - after a 2 year hiatus for weddings + all things alaska - the taylor gang is coming back in 2018.

in junior high my 3 best friends and i - along with our moms adventured all summer. zoos and cedar point. pool days and matinees. we must have gone to geauga lake 5 times that summer. [ rest in peace geauga lake ] i remember loving every moment. i remember laying in bed at night exhausted - yet filled to the brim with happiness + still feeling like i was on a roller coaster. [ ya'll know what i mean. right? also: why does this happen to us? ] i loved that summer. i hope to never forget it. i hope to never forget any summer.

i love the laid back - no schedule feeling that summer brings. i love being outside in my bare feet + tank top. i love being sun kissed. i love dinner on the patio + spontaneous picnics + having bonfires with the people i love the most. theres something special about it for me. i love hanging out with your friends + the feeling you get when the boy you had a crush on talks to you at the bonfire. i love sitting on front porches playing cards + going to drive ins + cleveland indians games. theres just something about it. i love heat lightening and warm thunderstorms - the ones that made you crawl in bed with your big brother when you were little. i love concerts at blossom music center. and dancing with dad at them without a care in the world. i love festivals and fairs and all the food at them. i just love summer.

but this year ... it just hasn't been the same. much like every other major change in my life over the past 10 months - this summer was different. i don't eat dinner outside every night + i barely have a tan. i have eaten ice cream exactly two times. there are no pool days and no spontaneous picnics. and i haven't had one sleepless night because i feel like i'm riding a roller coaster. HA! also: alaska doesn't have lightning bugs. or lightning - or thunder.

however...

this weekend i was with my friends who have adopted me. [don't worry - mama t + rt approve of the adoption. everyone has met and everyone loves each other.] but saturday was probably the most beautiful alaskan day i've experienced. we went to garage sales + berry picking + hiked and walked and we were just together.

together is my love language.

i was driving in the car with amanda + her kids + i thought "what does today feel like? why does this seem familiar?"

and then it suddenly hit me

TODAY FEELS LIKE SUMMER IN OHIO.

because when i was little we went garage sale shopping with grandpa herman all summer long when he'd come visit. because i picked fruit and veggies from grandma + grandpa taylor's garden whenever we went there. and then grandma taylor showed me how to can them. because i go on walks with my friends. and no ohio people - you can't call cuyahoga valley national park hiking. if you think it's hiking - come to alaska - then you'll understand. it is a walk. because the sun was shining + i wasn't cold + we walked around a farmers market + it just. i don't know... i guess

it just felt like ohio.

last week one of my precious doctors died. he was my geneticist. i met him when i was 9 years old. his name was dr. haynes robinson. and that man was a gentle giant. dr. robinson brought joy and hope to work with him. and i am so sad i didn't get to say goodbye. when i saw the press release from akron children's hospital my eyes welled up with tears. it is a strange feeling when someone who helped you stay well dies. i remember my days with him well. he walked with us in the thick of heartache.

he helped diagnosis my genetic disorder - noonan syndrome. he was there when i had to get test after test. he would joke "i think you shrunk." when i would see him after weeks of growth hormone shots. i remember the way he spoke to mama + dad. exceptionally brilliant + yet extremely tender hearted. pediatric doctors are special that way.

he was with us in the days leading up to my brain surgery - and the days after. i remember having an appointment a few days before my brain surgery with him. he had to check my entire body for freckles and moles and more to make sure i wasn't going to start growing tumors all over. apparently that can happen with noonan syndrome. and i remember feeling relieved to see him. because he was a familiar face. i knew no one else in this scary world of pediatric neurosurgery i had just been thrown into. but i knew him. and i remember hugging him as i left his office that day - sad that i had to walk out of the familiar + into the unknown + totally terrifying world of brain tumors again.

seeing him that afternoon was like a summer day in ohio when you've been drowing in alaska rain.

i will forever be grateful for that day with him. i hope to never forget it.

i will forever be grateful for this weekend too. i hope to never forget it.

this weekend was like a summer day in ohio ... this weekend God gave me a hint of home.

oh my heart. i long for the day when every day will feel like summer in Glory. do you think heaven will have a type of season like we've never experienced? like maybe God is holding out on us. summer - fall - winter - spring won't exist. but a 5th season of absolute bliss will instead? i sure hope so. but man i hope there is a beach. because if i'm being real with you - i'd like to go for a walk with Jesus on the beach. hold His hand and walk to the pier like i used to do with daddy. cause boy do i have a lot of things to talk to Jesus about.

[ these are the things that keep me up at night people. wondering if there is a 5th season in heaven. and coming up with questions to ask JC on the beach. ]

Jesus loves me this i know ... for the Bible tells me so.

He loves me like i love summer.

be brave

shelby elyse

my daddy did + it changed my life.

to my future daughter.  

from your single 25 year old mama - on fathers day.

sweet girl, 

i hope you have a daddy just like mine one day. not only do i hope - i pray you do. because my daddy is one in a million + he changed my life. 

i hope your daddy prays for you before you are born. i hope he stands beside your fresh self in the nursery + let's you grab his little finger - or picks you up from a far away land + instantly knows that you belong to him - even though you are adopted. i hope he calls everyone he knows and rejoices that he has a little girl + asks them to pray for you for the rest of their lives. not only do i hope - i pray for that. because my daddy did + it changed my life. 

i hope your daddy drives you to dance class + ends up in the ballet recital with you. i hope he runs beside your bike the day he takes your training wheels off + yells "keep pedaling!" and i hope he lets go even though he promised he wouldn't. i hope he takes you outside after dinner + teaches you to play baseball. "keep your eye on the ball!" he will say. i hope he promises you ice cream if you hit it over the fence. i hope he screams "homer!!! ladies + gentleman she did it!" when you do. and i hope he buckles you up + drives you to get your favorite superman ice cream. and i hope you find an old tree stump to sit on behind the ice cream shop + i hope he plops you up there so you can be tall. when we go on vacation i hope he searches the sandy beach with you for the stinky fish + takes you down to the dunes late at night to see the baby turtles. i hope you take long walks to the pier + he takes you off the island for put-put + bumper boats. and most of all i hope he takes you to get chocolate chip pancakes with extra whip cream for breakfast one morning. just you and him. not only do i hope - i pray for that because my daddy did + it changed my life. 

i hope your daddy colors Easter eggs with you every year. and gets up with you extra early on Christmas. i hope he helps make crowns for your birthdays + pretends that all the gifts mama picked out were his idea. i hope he allows you to live a magical childhood. i hope he comes up with little things to call you like "weezer" + "the little general" + "trooper" i hope he asks you about your dreams + tells you that with God anything is possible. i hope he lets you play dress up every day so you can look just like your sister + i hope he doesn't flinch when tiny you comes downstairs in a super hero cape + no shirt because you want to be like your brother. i hope he paints your nails + learns to do your hair. i hope he tells you to dream big. the sky is the limit - he might say - as he begs you to stay little forever. i hope he dances with you around the house to your favorite song. and i hope he asks you to dance at every wedding + party you go to. and i hope you aren't embarrassed + i hope you dance your heart out. not only do i hope - i pray for that because my daddy did + it changed my life. 

i hope you watch the way your daddy loves your mama + i hope you pray for a husband just like him one day. i hope you watch the way he loves your sister + walks with her through the hard. i hope you watch the way he cheers on your brother + champions him to be a courageous man of God. i hope you learn to love your mama and daddy by watching him love his. what i mean is this:: watch the way daddy loves grandma + grandpa. it's truly special. i hope your daddy has incredible sisters + brothers so you can have special relationships with your aunts and uncles. i hope you watch your daddy love his friends well. i hope by watching him you will learn to love yours well. you see how your daddy will drive hours just to be with his favorite people? or hop on planes to be with his friends when tragedy strikes? i want you to do that too one day. i hope your daddy loves hard + fierce. i hope he roots for the under dog + never meets a stranger. not only do i hope - i pray for that because my daddy did + it changed my life.

i hope you come down stairs to find your daddy having his quiet time with Jesus + i hope he lets you sit with him as he prays. i hope you listen well to those prayers. baby - i hope you always ask your daddy to pray for people you love. i hope he prays every morning for everyone he can think of. not only do i hope - i pray for that because my daddy did + it changed my life.

i hope that when the hard times come - and they will - that you cling to daddy. i hope after that big fall off the swing that daddy cleans off your scrape + gives you the Barbie bandaid. i hope when the boy breaks your heart that you sit in the kitchen with coffee with dad + talk it over. i hope when the big surgery comes that you let him hug you a little longer. i know you will ask for your mama - but maybe just one time ask for your papa - he needs you to. do it for daddy. i hope that if life throws a curve ball of depression at you in your 20's that your daddy takes you out for lemon cheesecake. i hope that you laugh together + get teary eyed together as you tell him how hard it's been. i hope he tells you that you will get through it. i hope that because you watch him lean into the Lord for strength - you will be able to also. your daddy is so strong. i hope you never forget that. not only do i hope - i pray because my daddy did all of this + it changed my life. 

i hope your daddy gets to drive you to school every morning. i hope he knows that you can't have a full conversation until he hands you that cup of coffee that's really just creamer. i hope he doesn't yell when you make him late. i hope he flies through red lights joking that they were "orange!" i hope he lets you stare out the window + not talk the whole way there if that's what you need. i hope that if you are grumpy he calls you "stormy" and sings you the song by dennis yost. i hope he tells you about his morning walks + time talking to Jesus. i hope you walk in to school with your arm in his - proud that he is your dad. i hope he has a funny walk + a brief case twice his size. i hope when he sees you in the hallway you both light up. i hope he embarrasses you in front of the boy you think is cute by calling you a silly nickname. i hope you can run to his office when you have a bad day + he'll throw a fruit snack at you. i hope that when your report card ends up in his hands + not in the mailbox that he'll say "sweet girl you tried your hardest! math is hard! i got a D in 8th grade math!" and i hope you are PROUD to have a dad who you get to do life with. not only do i hope - i pray for this because i spent all those days with my dad + it changed my life. 

i hope your daddy loves your girl friends as his own daughters + your guy friends as his own sons. and sweet girl - if your daddy knows someone isn't a good influence for you - RUN. i know it's hard - and you think you know best but you don't. keep around the friends he loves. i hope he has you invite them on vacations + over for barbecue's. i hope we love your friends so well that even if you aren't home they still come over. i hope your daddy mentors the boys who walk through life as your brothers in Christ + i hope he sets a standard for the girls who walk beside you as your sisters. i hope that they call him when life is hard. and i hope they feel safe with us. i hope one day your friends love him so much they ask him to officiate their weddings. not only do i hope - i pray for that because my daddy did + he changed my life. 

i could go on forever dear one. but i think you get it. right?

life is short + hard + magical + fun darling. but if i could pray for just one thing for you - it's that you have a spectacular daddy + baby i pray that you love him well. 

because i do ... my daddy is spectacular + oh my heart i love him well.

he changed my life. 

be brave + love big

i love you,

mama

[ i feel just like a sailboat... ]

years ago i loved a quote that said [ i'm so young ... i just want to drift. ] but i'm beginning to think that maybe that isn't what i want at all. i guess it depends. on one hand ... drifting sounds blissful and something my free spirit longs for. but on the other drifting sounds lazy and like my life could end up super boring. so i don't think i want to drift. i think i want to sail.

ever since i can remember there has been something about water that has always brought healing to my soul. simply seeing big oceans that make me feel small brings me peace. after each big stressful event for my entire life we made our way to sunset beach - my favorite place on earth. [ if you want to read about it - click here ->  sunset beach ] sunset beach has always brought healing. it feels like home. the ocean feels like home. i feel my best in the sunshine. it is good for my soul. and my health. and my hair. these curls love that saltwater life.

so it makes sense...that when the Lord wanted me to be brave + move. He spoke through my sister with the analogy of putting my sails up + letting God be my wind. [ if you want to read about it - click here -> the wind ]

one of my favorite musicians is named ben rector. he has a song about a sailboat. and the more i hear it - the more i get it. he writes...

[ i feel just like a sailboat. don't know where i'm headed. but you can't make the wind blow. from a sailboat. i have seen the sun. felt the rain on my skin. i've been lost and found. mostly i've been waiting. oh i'm out in the waves and i'm hoping and praying. please let this wind blow me home. and night after night theres an empty horizon. my God do i feel so alone. sometimes life. and most times i feel just like a sailboat. i'm pretty sure i'm heard. at least i know i'm speaking. but i feel like a fool yeah. cause i can't hear you listening. but i'm not giving up. i'm gunna move on forward. i'm gunna raise my sails. God knows what i'm headed towards. oh i'm out in the waves and i'm hoping and praying. please let this wind blow me home. night after night theres an empty horizon. my God do i feel so alone. sometimes life. and most times i feel just like a sailboat. only change i see. lost or found at sea. only difference. is believing i'll make it in. oh i'm out in the waves and i'm hoping and praying please let this wind blow me home. night after night theres an empty horizon. my God do i feel so alone. sometimes life. and most times i feel just like a sailboat. ]

ben - if you ever read this - i think you are pretty neat.

okay. holy smokes you guys. i feel like a freaking sailboat lately. please let this wind blow me home my heart cries often. but at the same time i am confident that God knows what i'm headed towards. i think the line in the song that is speaking to my soul the most lately is "i've been lost and found. mostly i've been waiting."

lost:: when i arrived here i felt incredibly lost. now don't get me wrong. the family i nanny for is great + they have been extremely generous + helpful. but it was so weird to be in this new place. knowing no one. coming from a place where i was sure to run into someone i knew basically anywhere i went. i hated having to use the gps to get everywhere. the unfamiliarity of everything was enough to bring me to tears some days. it was definitely not smooth sailing right away.

i remember my second week here i got a terrible migraine. it was a friday. probably my worst migraine of 2016. i left work that september day and crawled into bed. i called my beautiful mama + just sobbed on the phone to her. no one was here to help me. i felt so alone. i felt so lost. she prayed hard for me that night on the phone + i cried myself to sleep. that was a rough day. in case you didn't realize. i felt so lost that day. thankfully things got better.

found:: i finally feel found. there were so many days the past 7 months where i was like "i'm right here God - do you see me? are you listening? could you send me some people?!" hear me on this:: i wasn't doubting His presence or His plan. i was just lonely. some days i still am. but i feel found. Jesus has found me right where i am. He has been faithful even when i have been doubtful. i have found people here. oh my heart bursts with thankfulness for the people i have found here. i desperately needed people here. my church + my friends here make me feel found. i longed for that. it took awhile but my prayers were answered. i feel like i have found my footing + my soul has found rest. i have found pieces of myself here that i don't think i would have found had i stayed in ohio.

[ also: i have found that not everyone here loves LeBron James ... my goal is to change minds on that one. ugh i can't even think about it too much or i get mad. whatever. LEBRON FOR LIFE YO. ]

anyways. i felt lost. but i finally feel found.

waiting:: as john mayer smoothly sings... [ waiting ... waiting ... waiting on the world to change. ] but i'm not waiting on that. i'm waiting on the Lord. Psalm 27:14 reminds us " wait for the Lord - be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." this has been a verse that i have clung to since i moved here. despite my extremely free spirit ... i don't like to wait.

i'm a "mom we have to get this appliance i saw on the infomercials today because it can cook anything in 3 minutes or less" kinda girl. i'm dead serious. i missed a lot of school growing up - because i was always sick. and if i wasn't sleeping i was watching infomercials or the food network. i also watched the disney cruise line 2 hour special basically on loop for years. and so obviously when i got my make a wish we went on a disney cruise. and yes. i'm the cliche kid who chose a disney vacation for her wish. but you know what. it was THE BOMB. and you should totally go on a disney cruise. and also... it seems fitting to talk about my cruise. because ... it was a sailboat.

 [ i'm full of the jokes. ]

lately i've been doing a whole lot of waiting. waiting for the Lord to show me the big reason i'm here. waiting. waiting. waiting. but i trust that He will reveal it soon enough. it's an interesting spot to be in. having no idea what is in store. having no direction of where to go next. but somehow ... somehow i am finding peace in the waiting. the waiting for whatever is to come.

and yes grandma - i hope it's my husband too. HAHAHA. kidding. kinda. not really. okay lets me real real for a minute - if any of you know a jesus loving dream boat that can deal with my drama + spunk + inability to place commas HIT ME UP! hahah. no shame. no shame at all.

okay... anyways.

as i reflected back on the idea of feeling like a sailboat. and remembering how the Lord spoke to me to get here. if you haven't read that blog post - scroll up + click on the link + go read it. God is just so cool.

i was reminded of another song that my sista-friend rachel sent me months ago...

it was released by hillsong in 2015. it's called captain.

[ through waters uncharted my soul with embark. i'll follow Your voice straight into the dark. and if from the course you intend i depart. speak through the sails of my wandering heart. like the wind You'll guide. clear the skies before me. and i'll glide this open sea. like the starts Your words will align my voyage. and remind me where i've been. and where i am going. lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog. your truth is the compass that points me back north. Jesus my Captain my souls trusted Lord. all my allegiance is rightfully Yours. like the wind You'll guide. clear the skies before me. and i'll glide these open seas. like the stars Your word will align my voyage. and remind me where i've been. and where i am going. like the wind You'll guide. clear the skies before me. and i'll glide this open sea. like the stars Your words will align my voyage. and remind me where i've been. and where i am going. Jesus my Captain my souls trusted Lord. all my allegiance is rightfully Yours. ] 

when i first heard it - i was getting ready to leave. and yet again - the Lord was speaking to me through this idea of sailing + letting Him be in charge. this week this song has been on repeat. i've listened in the car. in the shower. before bed. while i'm doing dishes. and i just keep praying over and over again. [ okay Jesus - keep me close - help me not to miss anything you have for me here - guide me - and don't let go of this heart of mine that is just feeling like a sailboat. ]

[ JESUS MY CAPTAIN MY SOULS TRUSTED LORD...ALL MY ALLEGIANCE IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS.] 

oh my heart. that line. it fills me to the brim. it brings truth and comfort and promises from both Him and i. i don't think you could ask for a better picture of how He loves.

so lately i feel like a sailboat. but i am trusting that my Captain will guide my voyage.

and theres something about drifting that makes my soul sing. but something about sailing feels right. either way. my Captain's in charge. and that alone brings abundant joy.

do you ever feel like a sailboat? talk to the Captain. He will guide you. i promise.

be brave

shelby elyse